“Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette from Jagged Little Pill

Woman Assures World of Her Contradictions

Celina, OH—Theresa Barnes, a 34 year old resident of the Celina, spent most of Friday outside the Quick-Ready Market informing any and all who would listen that she is “different, special, and often unpredictable.”

Citing several instances of contrasting behavior repeatedly, she sought positive reinforcement from passers-by that she was neither predictable nor “100% consistent.” Several witnesses described her as “pleasant enough” but that she “hardly seemed all that different” from other people of her age, socioeconomic status, religious preference, race, and marital status.

Barnes herself declined to comment on the reasons for her “protest” except to say, “I’m wild and unpredictable and contain multitudes. I don’t need another reason to do things, ok?”

The Gazette contacted Martin Barnes, the woman’s husband, who immediately denied, without question, having said “she was boring or bland. I just said she was dependable.”

He then rushed to assure that he was, in fact, “just as fun as I always was and not at all slowing down.” When reached for clarification on the earlier quote Mr. Barnes would only say, “Look I can still rage all night, alright?”