Suggested by: Scott Wool, Local Comic Shop Impresario
Song: “Not As We” by Alanis Morissette from her album Flavors of Entanglement
Post Break-Up Day 1 Itinerary
6 A- Awake with alarm
6:15 A-6:45 A- Lie in bed fantasizing, fruitlessly, about ways to get P. back. Mess up fantasies by repeatedly going over them and trying to make them “realistic.”
6:45 A- 6:50 A- Realize there is no way to make work on time, call in with a broken leg
6:50 A- 7 A- Panic about what work is going to think when the leg is not broken when Monday rolls around
7 A- 7:30 A- Grow to accept that losing job is just another loss and really, in the grand scheme of things, not that big a deal.
7:30 A- 8:30 A- Eat breakfast. Read paper. Weep briefly over the wedding and new baby announcements.
8:30 A- 9 A- Comfort self by viciously tearing down the happy soon-to-be-weds and soon-to-be-parents. Focus on physical shortcomings first, then imagine their, no doubt, legion emotional and personality deficiencies. Briefly feel better.
9 A- 9:15 A- Slowly grow to realize that regardless of monstrous those people are, they are still happier. Break something.
9: 15 A- 9:20 A- Realize broken item was not P.’s. Curse self.
9:20 A- 10 A- Get back in bed, consider shower, decide “What’s the point.”
10 A- 1 P- Nap fitfully
1 P- 2 P- Move to computer to distract self with pictures and videos of sexually attractive people engaged in various sexy poses and acts of coitus
2 P- 3 P- Inevitably move on to personal photos and P.’s Facebook page. Weep. Bargain with God about ways to improve self to get P. back.
3 P- 3:30 P- Thunderstorm begins outside. Evidently, God not so interested in helping you on this one. Weeping is interrupted by phone call from friends who insist they are coming over and EVERYBODY is going out. Lose battle to persuade them that going out is a truly terrible idea.
3:30 P- 4:30 P- Shower. Shave various body parts. Reason that looking good is important because going out could lead to rebound sex with a stranger. Sad, desperate, soul crushing rebound sex with an awful stranger who is not P and will never be as good as P. Weep in the shower while realizing this.
4:30 P- 5 P- Reject 5 outfits because P. bought some portion of them, settle on shirt that P always hated. Feel kind of good about that.
5:00 P- 7 P- Swordfish is showing on basic cable. Damn that’s a good movie!
7 P- 7:30 P- Friends arrive and reject further arguments about not leaving the house and attempts to entice them to engage in “Game Night.”
7:30 P- 8:30 P- Dinner. Food tastes like cardboard, but it is fuel…acceptable. Friends awkwardly dance around the break up.
8:30 P- 10 P- Bar. Introduce alcohol to the evening and things get so much better. Friends are right. Screw P. So much better off now. Maybe some post-break-up hate sex with P would be fun, but otherwise, so done with that relationship. Yay!
10 P- 11 P- Things get weird. Maybe the alcohol was a bad idea.
11 P- 11:30 P- Just start crying without reason. Go to bathroom without being seen, but this probably is not a good thing.
11:30 P- 12 A- Make out with stranger that tastes of cigarettes and bad tequila. Feel queasy.
12 A- 12:30 A- Take cab home. Ask cabbie if he thinks P will take me back. Cabbie shakes head sadly, takes money, drives away. What a perfect metaphor.
12:30 A- 1 A- Look at P’s Facebook page again. Feel good that status reads, “Kind of a rough day.” Take that, cabbie. P will take me back!
1 A- Fall asleep secure in this delusion.
And that is how do the Reader's Choice selections. Now that you see it in action, get in on it. Send me your suggestions for inspiration. Please?
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