The Tuesday List: Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day

Oh no, you dope! Did you forget Valentine's Day again this year? All the reservations are taken, no way you'll get flowers delivered in time now, and the only lingerie left in stores neither you nor your partner likes.

Don't freak. I got you. Here’s 10 ways to celebrate the Holiday of Love that'll be so great your date will never know you nearly ruined everything.



10 Last Minute Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day

1.)    Stage a re-enactment of the story of St. Valentine- Go to your local improve group or community theatre company and hire them for a half hour show that depicts how St. Valentine became martyred. All the thrills of a horror movie, about a third of the time. Have a pasta and garlic bread dinner ready to go for after the show. Warning though, the dissipation of fear is an incredible aphrodisiac so you may have to circle back to the meal after you and your date enjoy some intimate one-on-one time.

2.)    Compose an interpretive dance- Explain that it represents your love for your date. It’s like when you gave your parents macaroni cards when you were a good. Of course it will be objectively bad, but come on, you can’t be bad when someone puts in all that effort to be sweet. Additional insurance: set the whole thing to “Push It” by Salt n’ Pepa. That joint is HOT.

3.)    Take your date to Ash Wednesday services- God has a sense of humor and the Creator demonstrates that by occasionally setting certain holidays against one another. Christmas v. a day in Chanukah. Mother’s Day v. My Birthday. And this year, Ash Wednesday v. Valentine’s Day. Don’t fight it, embrace it. Pitch it to your date as a kind of immersive live theatre with singing, audience participation, personal essays, and—depending on the church—a wine tasting! Also, there is no better way to show your date that despite their fears, you are no a commitphobe than to show them you have committed to a lifetime of worshipping the one true God.

4.)    Go pedantic- Insist that if the Greek Orthodox celebrate Valentine’s Day in July then, dammit, that’s the right time to celebrate it. Just be prepared come July to either be broken up or to really sell this thing.

5.)    Art!- Buy a bunch of paint and a canvas. Explain to your date that photography cannot capture the true emotion of your bond. Suggest, instead, that you two get naked, cover each other in paint, roll around on a canvas, and “just see what happens.” For even more points, encourage a shower together post-artwork in which you wash their hair and body for them. Tell them it is because they “deserve to be pampered.”

6.)    Do that 30 Questions thing from the New York Times- Either have a tasty dessert ready for afterwards OR insist their answers freaked you the hell out and ask them to leave, depending on your goals.

7.)    Get some kind of animal for them- As long as the animal is cute, basically any kind will do.

8.)    Say you wrote them a song- Play the studio edit of “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent. Hope for the best.

9.)    Bring them by your folks’ house- Explain you want them to feel like part of the family, that’s how important you are to them. Be aware your parents were probably planning on getting FREAKY NASTY that night and may not be particularly happy you are delaying—but don’t worry, not cancelling—their plans vis-à-vis knocking the boots.

10.) Breakfast for dinner- Everybody loves breakfast for dinner.