The Tuesday List: Ways to Celebrate Ash Wednesday

Oh my gosh, you dunderhead! Did you forget Ash Wednesday again this year? You have got to take Jesus’s 40 days in the desert more seriously!

That’s alright though, I got your back on this. Here’s 10 ways to celebrate the beginning of Lent that makes it look like you are the number one holy man in your particular postal district.



10 Last Minute Ways to Celebrate Ash Wednesday

1.)    DIY Ashes- Ashes are ashes, right? Just light a fire, collect some of the ash, and have it sufficiently cooled off by the time your date arrives. Tell them faith is a private matter and you’d prefer to kick off this holy season in the quiet solitude of your own abode instead of one of those noisy church’s where everything about Ash Wednesday has just gotten so commercial, you know?.

2.)    Return to a time when being a Christian was risky- The Obama Administration, amirite?! Create a mix that recalls all your favorite songs of that dark, dark period in US History where it looked like something progressive might really happen and then all the poor people and criminals and drug addicts would just, like, get the help they needed and junk. Gives me chills just thinking about it.

3.)    Return to an even earlier time when being a Christian was risky- Buy a lion. Fight a lion. Your date—and your Lord—will be so impressed. Do be aware that lions are total conscienceless killing machines though.

4.)    Go pedantic- Insist that if the Greek Orthodox celebrate Ash Wednesday at some other time in then, dammit, that’s the right time to celebrate it. Just be prepared come that other time to either be broken up or to really sell this thing so know where the nearest Greek Orthodox place of worship is.

5.)    Slam Poetry- Rent a coffee shop and perform several slam poems about how you get what it must have been like for Jesus given all the temptations you face but don’t succumb to. Be sure to include how often people hit on you but you don’t give in. Your date will be so impressed with your talent and your willpower.

6.)    Pretend to be Muslim- No. Wait. Not a good time in our country’s history to try this one.

6.) Pretend to be Jewish- Actually, no, scratch that. Apparently not a safe time to do this either.

6.) Pretend to be… I don’t know…Buddhist?- Ok, this one looks safe.

7.)    Sex- Gotta be worth a shot, right?

8.)    Say you wrote them a song about Ash Wednesday- Play any Lenten hymn. What’s the chances your date will have an encyclopedic knowledge of Lenten hymns, right?

9.)    Proclaim yourself the Reborn Christ- The degree of difficulty is high here, especially if you are a woman, but if you can pull it off, your date just became your first follower. Cult living here you come!

10.) Just go to church- They’re basically open all the time and pretty much never full.