The Tuesday List: Ranking the Thors

THOR: RAGNAROK opens in the States this weekend and has opened many other places already and the buzz is buzzy! People who don’t have the letters DCEU in their Twitter profiles are very excited. Commercials promise it is the best reviewed Marvel movie yet. Freelance writers for Marvel.com are very excited to see the size of their bonus checks.

Umm…nevermind that last one. But do go out and see THOR: RAGNAROK

Before you do that though, I’ve prepared you a definitive list of the ranks of those who have called themselves Thor in the Marvel Universe.

The Definitive Ranking of Thors

 Pro-tip: When  a part of a person's face peels back to reveal a robot beneath rarely is that individual good news. (marvel.com)

Pro-tip: When  a part of a person's face peels back to reveal a robot beneath rarely is that individual good news. (marvel.com)

11.) Ragnarok- A clone/robot version of Thor made during CIVIL WAR. He killed Black Goliath. Not a good guy. An intriguing villain, perhaps, but save for an AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE appearance hasn’t lived up to that possibility. No connection to the movie, I promise.

 Oh look, it's Not My Dad Masterson. (marvel.wikia.com)

Oh look, it's Not My Dad Masterson. (marvel.wikia.com)

10.) Thunderstrike (II)- Eric Masterson’s son. He’s no Eric and he hasn’t done much yet. Maybe someday he can rise up the list.

 I think you are the only Thor on this list who actually has red hair like you're supposed to and you still are this low. (comicvine.com)

I think you are the only Thor on this list who actually has red hair like you're supposed to and you still are this low. (comicvine.com)

9.)  Red Norvell- Essentially got to be Thor as part of a double long con. Loki manipulated Red into fighting Thor for Sif’s love and won thanks to some enchanted objects from that God of Mischief. Then, however, it turned out that Odin arranged the whole thing so a Thor would die and fulfill a prophecy, but it wouldn’t have to be Odinson himself. Got played dirty and did not have much time to show off if he was cool or not.

 You might say "All men are trash," on the internet but only Tarene did something about it. By leaving Earth. (marvunapp.com)

You might say "All men are trash," on the internet but only Tarene did something about it. By leaving Earth. (marvunapp.com)

8.) Thor Girl- AKA Asgard Lass aka Tarene aka The Designate. An entity born to fulfill an ages old prophecy that someday a being will be born to aid sentient beings into their next stage of evolution, she latched onto Asgard mythology early when Thor showed up to repel an attack that killed most of her planet. She has popped up here and there and has had moments of potential but no momentum. Currently, she is disgusted by humanity and living in space.

 Just before I shaved my head, I modeled for this drawing. (comicvine.com)

Just before I shaved my head, I modeled for this drawing. (comicvine.com)

7.) Ultimate Thor- Started out very promising as a kind of hippy, New Age type Thor who might not even be Thor. By the end though, he was basically just Thor without the history and largely less well-written. Kind of a shame.

 In the future, this isn't a costume, this is just clothes. I can't wait for the future. (marvel.wikia.com)

In the future, this isn't a costume, this is just clothes. I can't wait for the future. (marvel.wikia.com)

6.) Dargo Ktor- Future Thor! On an Earth ruled by a corporation—SO FARFETCHED!—Ktor is a reluctant member of a Norse gods worshipping cult. When his fellow churchgoers get attacked by Loki on behalf of the corporation, Dargo reaches for Mjolnir out of desperation and becomes the God of Thunder! Cool idea that unfortunately was not used very much.

 The workin' man's Thor! (writeups.org)

The workin' man's Thor! (writeups.org)

5.) Eric Masterson- For a time, he shared his body with Thor. Then, when Thor was free to live in his own body once more, Odin gave Masterson a mystical mace, called Thunderstrike, and Masterson became a hero of the same name. I have a soft spot for this guy and I won’t apologize for it. Don’t try and make me!

 This frog is...HOPPING mad! (marvel.wikia.com)

This frog is...HOPPING mad! (marvel.wikia.com)

4.) Throg- He’s a frog and he’s Thor. He has a frog sized hammer and super strength. He’s awesome.

 Suck it, the internet! (marvel.wikia.com)

Suck it, the internet! (marvel.wikia.com)

3.) Jane Foster- The current bearer of the Thor mantel, Jane is a doctor, former Thor girlfriend, and current cancer patient. Watching her grow into the role—and how good she was at it from jump street because of her natural morality—has been a great ride.

 Stand up straight, Thor! Set a damn example! (rainbow-graphic.deviantart.com)

Stand up straight, Thor! Set a damn example! (rainbow-graphic.deviantart.com)

2.) Odinson- The original and still almost the best.

 Space Horse got SWOLE! (aminoapps.com)

Space Horse got SWOLE! (aminoapps.com)

1.) Beta Ray Bill- Look, there are a lot of great hammer wielders, for certain. But only one of them has an action figure that my daughter used to hug him nightly and that’s Bill here. He’s also noble, smart, and straight up beat Odinson in a fist fight. So yeah, he’s great.