Song: “Extraordinary Machine” by Apple, Fiona from Extraordinary Machine

Dear Brother O’ Mine,

I know I promised I’d at least stay until morning but as you are probably realizing right now, I lied. I’m sorry, honestly. But I knew if I did stay til morning, I’d stay the rest of the day. If I stayed the rest of the day, I would stay the next. And so on. I think you know that too. For you, I know that’s a good thing. Able to keep me close, keep me safe. But for me…I just can’t. I love that you want to keep me safe but if I don’t risk something now, I’ll lose my life in pursuit of safety.

I can already feel you bristling. Please don’t take this personal. There is nothing wrong with your stable life and your grooves. Sheila is amazing. The kids are wonderful and brilliant and my heart aches with how proud I am to be their aunt. Your life is spectacular and me leaving has nothing to do with that.

Actually, it has a lot to do with it.

The fact is I can’t have a spectacular life by just being part of yours. You earned this life through mistakes and accidents and successes and luck and choices, some of them wonderfully stupid. You lived life and found your way to here. This amazing place. I can’t say the same yet.

You protected me. You gave me a place to be safe and heal, you gave me the confidence to do so. This isn’t a rejection of that love and support, this is an affirmation of it. You made this possible. If I didn’t try to grab it, I’d be failing you and all you did.

I’m not sick anymore. I may be sick again, but right now I’m not. That fact that I might be again just means I have to make this time count all the more.

I’ll see you often, I promise. I’m not disappearing, not really. I’m just trying the world. I’m tasting everything, seeing it all. I’ll be safe, mostly. But I’ll be reckless sometimes too. I know that tears you up inside and I get that. It makes my heart thump unpleasantly too. I still have to do it though. I’m betting you get that deep down, even if it makes you want to gather me in a blanket, drag me back inside, and feed me a grilled cheese while we watch Flight of the Navigator.

I love you. I thank you. I’ll be back soon with some new bruises and a ton of new stories. I’ll be back soon and you’ll still recognize me. I swear. No lie this time.

Your making her first mistakes sister,

Crystal