Song: “A Check For Daniel” by Ra Ra Riot from Superbloom

DANA paces in the back alley of a building. She repeatedly works her gloves, pulling them tight, loosening them, and repeating. She is both anxious and frustrated.

DANA

Just once. Just once! I would love just once if I came to collect and whoever owed the money would just say, “Oh yeah, so sorry. Come in.” And then they’d get me a glass of water or like offer me coffee and a cookie and count out the money in front of me. Just once!

DANA (sighing, dejected)

But no. Of course not.

She gestures upward towards the apartment buildings top floors.

DANA

For example. Mr. Dakota up there. Nathan. Slim to his friends.

I don’t know if that’s supposed to be an ironic nickname or not. He’s just...kind of average? Like he’s in decent shape but he’s not thin. Strong, you know. Good shoulders. But he’s definitely not big enough that Slim seems funny.

It’s a bad nickname. I shouldn’t care, but I do. People should do better at nicknames.

DANA pauses, staring up to Nathan’s apartment.

DANA

God. You don’t think he gave it to himself do you? Oh I bet he did, the insufferable prig.

She flips off the building.

DANA (refocusing)

Anyway, Nathan. He’s not a huge customer. Mostly just Super Bowl and March Madness. He’s like a Chreaster of the gambling world. You know, like those people that only go to church on Christmas and Easter? In the United States, for gamblers, that’s like just betting on the “Big Game” and the Tournament. But Nathan thought he saw a big opportunity. Knicks got a new center, some big deal from Latvia or something. But Nathan, he thought he knew better. No way the Knicks beat his beloved Wizards, not even in the Garden.

Dumb bet. It happens. We give a guy like him a few weeks usually. Good record with us. Has a good job. Well connected to where he lives so unlikely to just rabbit.

But then, the first time Daniel reaches out—Oh, Daniel’s my boss. He manages the books. I “manage” the people when they make managing the books difficult. Anyway, first time Daniel reaches out, not even to say “gimme the money,” just to let Nathan know what the bill is, Nathan gets really weird. Defensive. Bad vibes. It annoys Daniel. Annoying Daniel? Very bad call. So he moves up the date in his head. Not gonna give Slim the two weeks for good customers. Giving him five days.

I throw in an extra two days. I’ve been with Daniel long enough he trusts me on this kind of thing. Day seven though? Turns out Nathan has hired himself so guards for his apartment lobby. Now I’m annoyed. And Daniel’s pissed!

DANA glances at her phone and sort of laughs ruefully.

DANA

But even pissed, Daniel doesn’t just fly off the handle. Things happen. People get sick and health care is a NIGHTMARE. Family members die and grief and funeral planning can be all consuming. We don’t want to target people who are best in a temporary bad place. We’re successful enough we can give people who need it more time without hurting our ability to keep running the business. So we do our research. But this guy. This fucking guy!

DANA stomps around a little bit to express her frustration.

DANA

We look into him And he is doing EVERYTHING wrong.

Lives on the high hog. Great apartment in the pricey part of town. Several. I mean, SEVERAL girlfriends. A nice car despite living in a city with an incredible public transportation system. Orders in or goes out for dinner EVERY night. Doesn’t even do leftovers every now and then. Belongs to one of those fancy gyms that convince people they discovered some new form of diet and exercise. Enjoy the occasional pallet of cocaine. Paid off his student loans five years ago! I haven’t paid mine off and I didn’t go to some private New England college like this asshole.

And yet, he’s been dodging Daniel for months. So tonight? I’ve got to manage Slim.

She returns to pacing. Fixing her gloves. Checking her phone.

DANA (conspiratorially)

Ok, but see, here’s the thing. I kinda hate my job. Don’t get me wrong. I make good money. Six figures declared, another four figures totally under the table that’s my retirement plan. Daniel taught me how to hide it so I don’t get audited. It’s a solid career. Not to be challenging, but probably a better benefits program than you’ve got at your insurance company or bank. And my boss? When he says he cares? He’s legit, not just reading some business school script.

She sighs hard there, punching a fist into her open hand.

DANA

But…see…I don’t want to be ungrateful but I’m so sick of hitting people. I just…it sucks. Even jerks like Nathan.

I’m tall and strong. I’ve taken my martial arts training seriously. I know I fight well. I’m GOOD at this. But at the end of the day? I still hit people for money. Both my salary and money to get to Daniel. And violence…it’s just something I don’t want in my life anymore.

She gestures to the audience to wait for a moment. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a slim wallet. Out of that, she pulls a card.

DANA

I had this made up last week. My sister-in-law is really good at graphic design and she did it for me for free. It’s my business idea. Just this…this silly thing. Part public speaking. Like going into schools and warning kids off violence, that kind of thing. Like Power Team? That. But no God stuff. My faith is my own private concern, thanks.

And then part, sort of, peer mediation but for adults I come into your business and settle disputes between coworkers. Or even neighborhoods. You and your neighbor always mad at each other? I got you.

I know it sounds unlikely but Daniel’s been helping me, I have four school and about a dozen businesses as customers already.

He just, you know, he just doesn’t realize this is me leaving. He thinks this is just a side thing for me.

She sits on the curb and groans.

DANA (embarrassed)

I’m so ridiculous. I’m sure Daniel won’t be mad. It’s probably dumb to even do this. But even so, Daniel won’t be mad. Right?

A door smacks open. DANA is immediately on her feet, racing towards the figure walking out of it. The man sort of squeaks and raises his hands. She pulls up short. He hands her an envelope and runs back upstairs.

DANA (opening the envelope)

Huh.

She starts to read it out loud.

DANA

“Dear Daniel. Blah blah blah. Apologies etc. No excuse. Again, sorry. Please call off your enforcer.”

Looks up, proud despite herself.

DANA

That’s me.

“My Home Owners Association is very angry. They like neither my guards nor her ongoing presence. Here is the money I owe plus 10 percent. I hope this is enough to ensure that you no longer need to stalk me or endanger my chances to be elected HOA President. Thank you. Slim.”

Rolls her eyes

DANA

Oh this guy. Even when he’s being apologetic he has to remind us what an annoying asshole he is. And he wrote a check? Jeez…now I gotta go to Reese to get this cleaned. That’s totally out of my way. Damn. I was hoping to get to a late showing at Lincoln Square. Nathan. Screwing up another night of my life. Asshole.

She slips the envelope into her inner jacket pocket.

DANA

Hey, thanks for hanging out and listening to me go on. I know once I get going, I just run on. It’s nice of you to not give me a hard time about it. And you know…keep it quiet? I promise I’ll tell Daniel this week. But it’ll be better from me from the start, you know?

Cool. I got you for breakfast tomorrow.