“Both Sides of the Story” by Collins, Phil from ...Hits!
So you see I'm loading my guns, right? Two hand guns, red and gold, custom, and an AK that I'll sling on my back. It's grey in the dull lights of the warehouse and the smoke from cigarette is curling in the air above my head when this jackass str--
You don't smoke. You didn't have a cigarette.
The hell I didn't.
You have a vape pen.
Which is also known as an e-cig. Don't be all...pede-pedan-you know.
That's the one.
And it's not pedantic to point out that the smoke curling around your head was steam that smelled like "Blueberry Delight."
Well 'scuse me for not trying to make us all smell like an ashtray at last close. Can I continue now?
So this jackass comes in and he's all shaking. The cops are onto us, he's moaning and groaning. Like I care. Cops been onto me my whole life. What's new. And I told him as much.
He still won't chill I cuff him. Let him know this is my crew and we run when I say we run. And we pop when I say we pop off. And we're always gonna pop off before we run.
Pretty sure he's the snitch in all this.
There was no snitch.
Right. I just ended up here by chance, then? Please.
Ain't nobody catching me unless I want to be caught or somebody was snitching.
Anyway, I knew he was gutless but not that gutless so I didn't even think about him after that.
We all hopped in the van and headed to the job. Four for inside the store. Two in the front, dressed just like they're hanging out. One in the back, making sure nobody tried to run. A driver. Lookout guy on the other roof.
Really? I had two guys in the store. One outside. That guy was also the driver of the van you all left idling in the fire lane. No one on the roof or behind the story.
Bunch of disloyal hangers on. Ditched before we could even begin.
But I didn't need them. I had the screw I could count on and I had me. So we pulled on our skull masks--
It says here you all wore lime green ski masks.
Well...yeah. With skulls on 'em. Your evidence guys don't observe so well for evidence guys.
Ok then. I'll make a note. Skulls. Got it.
So we burst into the store. Took everyone by surprise. Fear all in their eyes. They knew we were crime incarnate, you know.
To be clear the store in question was...
The most profitable store in the neighborhood. Money moves in and out of there like nowhere else!
Hell yes! Center of the neighborhood. People need their coffee. Their lotto. Old guys who don't own computers still need that porno. Don't be ageist!
Apologies. My fault.
Anyway, there's a hero in every bunch. Guy tries to make a move and me and my men, but I got him dead to right. Gat Gat Gat! Blah-OW! Blah-OW!
You shot someone?!
Well, no, not really. Wasn't strictly necessary, was it? But I let him know I could. Strong man doesn't need to use his guns always, you know?
So you made sound effects but never fired.
Right, right. Intimidation. Don't want to start at 10. Escalate if needed. Not just for fun. I'm very serious about my work.
Was your van not playing Ginuwine's "Pony" throughout?
No, it was. Totally was. Psychological warfare, you see. Distract and weaken the enemy.
And you dancing throughout the robbery?
I am a man of many talents. I see no reason I cannot balance my love of art with my criminal enterprises.
Ok then. Noted.
We are totally in control of the situation. We are moments from making this our last score and running away for that good good tropical lifestyle.
There was 78 dollars in the till.
Maaaaaaaaan, don't believe that shit for a second. Owner decided to line his pockets when your beat cops weren't looking. Trust me. That place is flush.
You also cried at the scene and pretended to be asleep? Is that accurate?
Sure, sure. All psychological warfare. Exploiting their weaknesses.
How did that work out?
Badly. Cops have no empathy.
Anything else you want to report?
Nah. That's it. Betrayed by one of my own. Owner used it as an opportunity to steal from his own company.
Fine. Here's what I've gathered from other reliable sources.
After weeks of bragging at a variety of bars, you decide to rob the local 7-11. Because you have told so many people while drunk most of your "crew" abandons you at the last minute because their family and friends warn them that everyone knows.
Everyone includes the police who follow you to the site of the robbery, wait for you to pull a weapon and make threats, thus optimizing the charges that can be filed against you. You were somewhat intoxicated. You danced and sang throughout the job. You took your mask off at one point, revealing yourself to witnesses and four security cameras because, "this mask is hot as balls."
Police burst in, you immediately laid down and pretended to sleep. When that failed, you cried and insisted that your stepfather, who is 86 and suffers from senility, forced you to pull the job.
Does that sound accurate?
It lacks a certain poetry and grandeur. I mean, my account was more true to the spirit of the encounter, you dig?
I dig. Please sign this confession.