“Song for You” by Murdoch. Alexi from Away We Go- Soundtrack
KEVIN is talking but it is unclear to whom. He is walking around his apartment, putting things away, moving in and out of rooms, leaving towels here, packing socks away there, and so on. He seems to be straightening up, not as though after a big party, more like after three or four days of just letting stuff go a bit.
KEVIN (a little quickly, seeming like he’s trying to convince himself of things. We join him mid-self-discussion)
…but I did try, didn’t I? I did. Of course I did. I probably wasn’t very good at it, but then that’s me, isn’t it? Not being good at things…at anything. That’s just me all over.
I really did try though. I like her so much and I really did try. It wasn’t about changing the direction of history or anything. I just wanted to make her a bit happier. Just a bit. So I tried. I’m sure I failed. But I tried.
She was just…so sad. And I thought maybe…maybe I could change that. And yes, if I’m honest, it probably wasn’t just about changing her mood. It was probably about getting her to notice me, maybe. Notice me like that. Make her feel better and maybe, maybe, she thinks of feeling better and me in the same moment…associates them.
It’s not a friendzone thing. I need to say that. I’m her friend. And I think she’s attractive. I didn’t become friends with her so I could be her boyfriend. That wasn’t it. I became her friends and, boom, suddenly I was infatuated with her too. I understand women hate that sort of thing, men being their friends but covertly wanting them. I know that, but, I wish I could explain…for a lot of us that’s not….like how else is supposed to happen? Either it’s “damn, look at her body!” or it’s “we’ve been hanging out and more and more she just seems really cool. I think I have a crush.” Isn’t the latter way better than the former?
But I get it. Really, I do. I get I creep people a bit. I don’t mean to, but I do. I try not to, but then, I try at a lot at a lot of things that I don’t quiet make work. But I do try.
Enough about me though.
So she’s been sad. Really sad. Like all the time. And I don’t want her to feel like that. She shouldn’t have to feel like that all the time.
Because I feel sad. I feel sad a lot. So I get it how it becomes…its own thing. It takes on its own life. And it starts to feel natural. More natural than feeling happy or satisfied or whatever. It settles into you, you know? Like how cold does on a Metro North train? Just envelopes you and you can’t shake it the rest of the day? That’s the kind of sadness I get. And the kind I think she gets too.
So, I do wish she would be attracted to me. I do. But I know she isn’t. I know she won’t be. I know every time I imagine her being attracted to me I’m actually just digging myself a deeper hole. So I try to stop.
And I try to help. Because I like to help. And even if she’s never going to date me, I still like her and want to help her.
I try. I hope she knows I’m trying. I’m trying and I know we’ll never be anything but I still want her to be happy. So I try.