January 21, 2014: Lies

“Lies” by Chvrches from The Bones of What You Believe

Listen to it here

(photo from knoji.com)

(photo from knoji.com)

KLEIN and ANGELA sit across from each other in a small cramped office. KLEIN’s desk is a mess of papers and a computer monitor just visible amongst them. He’s tired and uncomfortable with what he now has to do. ANGELA, on the other hand, seems relaxed and happy.

KLEIN (rubbing his temples)

I suspect you know why I had to ask you into my office, Angela?

ANGELA (perky)

I’m guessing it’s my new sales figures. Much higher these past few months huh?


In a manner of speaking, yes.


I know the sale staff really had to carry my weight the first six months I was here so I wanted to prove I could do it and take a load off of them.


Well, you certainly did it. Highest sales for the past two months, highest overall sales this quarter.

ANGELA (almost bouncing in her seat)

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! My husband’s going to be so surprised. And proud! Oh my gosh, Mr. Davis, thanks so much for telling me. I’m going to call him the first chance I get today. Not when I’m on the phones though, I promise. I’m going to try and keep this streak alive for you!


I can see how enthusiastic you are. And you know how we here at Dutchman Siding and Roofs love enthusiasm.

ANGELA (saluting as she speaking)

Yes sir, yes I do. Enthusiasm is key, sir, you taught me that!


Right. Well, there is some concern…internally and otherwise, that you’re enthusiasm, wonderful though it may be, is…guiding you astray when it comes to how you are making your sales calls.

ANGELA (a bit surprised)

What…what do you mean?


We’ve had some…complaints from customers and co-workers about how you are conducting your sales calls.


But, but…number one sales?


And that’s absolutely true. Which is why I called you back here. I’d love to have us do a little role play. I’ll be the customer and you be, well, you. Now pretend to cold call me and sell me just like you do when you work the phones in real life. That way I can see how you conduct yourself and see if the complaints have any validity.

ANGELA (straightening up in her seat, visibly regaining some confidence)

Absolutely. I’m going to make you proud. You’ll see there’s nothing to worry about.


Great. Whenever you’re ready.

ANGELA (making noises with her mouth)

Brrrng. Brrrng. Brrrng.

KLEIN (miming picking up the phone)



Good afternoon. Is Mr. Klein Davis available?


This is Klein.


Excellent. So wonderful to reach you on this fine day. My name is Angela and I’m from Dutchman Siding and Roofs.


I’m gonna stop you right there. You sound nice, but—

ANGELA (voice going a little lower and growing honeyed)

Oh, I am, Mr. Davis. I’m very nice. And I’d really like to be nice to you.

KLEIN (hesitantly)

I’m sorry…what was that?

ANGELA (voice returning to usual chipper tone)

I said I am quite nice and I’m calling because I want to be nice to you. See an informal drive through of your neighborhood identified several homes that could benefit from some of the services we offer and yours was certainly one of them. And, good news for you sir, it just so happens we are in the midst of a big sale.


Well, what kind of services are you recommending.


First, the good news is your roof is immaculate. You’ll get another ten years out of that, no problem. How does that sound to you Mr. Davis?


That actually sounds really great.


I thought it might, Klein. Whoops, you don’t mind if I call you Klein do you?


No, that’s fine.

ANGELA (voice going deeper again)

Oh, thank you so much. It’s a very good name. I like the way it feels in my mouth when I say it.

KLEIN (clearing his throat)

Right. So mentioned some things I might want to improve?

ANGELA (voice back to normal)

I sure did, Klein. I’m going to go ahead and guess someone else did the siding before you moved in. Am I right?


That’s true. That’s something the previous owner did.


I thought as much. Truth is, it’s okay, but the style is a bit dated and the material is not as good as what we use in our siding today. Plus, and I’m not sure you noticed this, but the siding is separating some towards the bottom of the house and, in a region like ours, that sort of thing is bound to keep going, probably even speed up.


What are you recommending?

ANGELA (the return of the sexy voice)

We’d love to come out there, get our hands dirty, and just strip…that siding off.

She pauses and just lets her breathing go subtly heavy for just a moment

ANGELA (returning to bright and cheerful)

Then we’ll apply our new state of the art siding in a classic contemporary color guaranteed to present a better version of your house, one that’ll sell easier if you ever decide to go that way. And one that would protect the frame of your home for years to come if you decide to stay. And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how important protection is.


I do take the condition of my house very seriously.

ANGELA (sex voice)

You seem like a man that would. A man who understands that while some activities are much more fun without protection, keeping a home in great shape isn’t one of them.

KLEIN (sputtering)

Angela, please.

ANGELA (still in sex voice)

Ooo, I like how that sounds. I like it so much, it makes me want to be naughty. Like so bad, I might get punished. But I think you’re worth it, Klein, some I’m going to tell you a secret. Shh…between me and you.

ANGELA (voice changing again before he can object)

We’ve got deals on gutters and yours are in rough shape. If you can the siding and the gutters, you’ll save 50% on the transaction.

KLEIN (bewildered)

Wow…that does sound like quite the deal.

ANGELA (sexy voice returns)

It does, doesn’t it? For…half off, we’ll come…to you and install everything. The siding and the long, hard, thick…

KLEIN (blushing)

Ok, ok! That’s enough.

ANGELA (excited)

See?! Pretty good, right? No need to worry, right?

KLEIN (flabbergasted)

What do you mean, Angela? You were highly, highly sexualized at points.


I know, right? It’s brilliant. My husband and I were watching this documentary about phone sex operators and they were talking about how it didn’t matter how they looked, if they got the voice right, callers just ate right out of their hands. And the hubby and I thought that was perfect for my job. I mean, sex sells, right?


Yes, but it is highly inappropriate for what we are—


I mean, I had you right where I wanted you and you know the script and all that. And unless I’m mistaken, I think you kind of liked my sex voice. I think you enjoyed it very much.


I really think you need to think long and hard—

ANGELA giggles in reply

KLEIN (annoyed)

Nevermind that! Just…someone is going to call corporate or one of your co-workers is going to file a claim so you need to stop this.


I appreciate you looking out for me, boss, but I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.

KLEIN (growing stern)

Angela, I am ordering you to—

ANGELA (sex voice)

Ooo, you’re ordering me? Yes, Master how can I serve you?

KLEIN (blushing further, clearly uncomfortable)

Stop that!

ANGELA (back to normal voice)

Sure thing boss! I’m going to go out and sell the heck out of some aluminum siding now, ok?

KLEIN (completely defeated)

Fine. Fine! Just get out.


Sure thing Mr. Davis. Great talk!