Song: “Turn You Inside Out” by R.E.M. from Green
(Picture taken from www.islamtimes.org)
United Nations Refuses to Recognize Nation of Romulatan Despite So-Called Prime Minister’s Impassioned Speech
UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY, New York, NY —The United Nations contemplates some of the world’s most intractable problems every day. Perhaps that is why it is not particularly well known as a comedy showcase.
That is, until yesterday.
At approximately 1:15 pm EST, a man who referred to himself as Francisco Cavert, Prime Minister of Romulatan, took control of the General Assembly and demanded the full attention and respect of all those gathered. Few of the members honored his request but this did not stop Mr. Cavert from holding court to sing the praises of his nation for the next fifteen minutes. Included in the speech were details of the psychic abilities of all of Romulatan’s citizens, the fact that the nation lays claim to the largest stockpile of something called “quantum bombs,” and Romulatan is home to the best cheesesteaks on the planet. Mr. Cavert stressed that the sandwiches were superior to those of the city of Philadelphia, a place he described as a “barren hellscape where the citizens are so devoid of hope as to hate Santa Claus.” Of all the declarations the Prime Minister said, this characterization of the Pennsylvania city seemed to be the only met with widespread agreement.
At the conclusion of his time, he demanded the Assembly recognize his country via vote, a move that backfired when they unanimously declared that Romulatan was not legitimate.
Unlike other votes of this nature, however, the issue is not that the government is cruel, violent, or terrorist. Instead, Romulatan appears to be entirely fictional. A country with no land, no imports or exports, no diplomatic ties to any other nation state, no armed forces, no recognizable form of government beyond Cavert, and a population of roughly a dozen peoples.
Not bowed by this setback Cavert once again seized the mic and, in two and a half hours, made a wide variety of threats and promises, at times appearing aggressive and prepared to declare war on all nations and at others being conciliatory and begging for approval. The tirade climaxed in the Prime Minister declaring he would destroy them all with the power of his mind if they did not change their votes.
Upon no one reacting to this attempt at intimidation, Mr. Cavert fled the assembly in what one witness labeled a “huff.” He was promptly arrested by the FBI upon stepping out the front door.
When asked why Francisco Cavert was allowed to grind the assembly to a halt for such an extended period of time, UN spokesperson Benfu Dootel explained, “No speeches were scheduled for the rest of the day and, to be honest, all the members found the ‘Prime Minister’ and his bold statements to be an amusing end to an otherwise stressful week. Also, his point about the city of Philadelphia was accurate enough to convince us he might have something of use to say.”