CD Number: 23
Track Number: 11
Song: “Pieces of the Night” by Gin Blossoms off the album New Miserable Experience
ZEUS, HERA, HEPHAESTUS, APHRODITE, ARTEMIS, ATHENA, POSEIDON, HERMES, HADES, APOLLO, DEMETER, and HESTIA are willing around inside a lavish estate. Their names are no coincidence; these are the Greek deities of the Classical age, cast down to Earth in favor of monotheism. Most are dressed in “going out gear” and doing some last second primping. Of those that aren’t Poseidon is walking about in a wetsuit that is only half on, leaving his chest exposed, Hades is in an old t-shirt and workout pants, and Demeter and Hestia are busy in the kitchen.
HERMES (pacing throughout, shouts)
Are we doing this or what?
HERA (reaches out to slow him down, giving up)
Of course we will, Honey. Just give everyone a second to finish up.
HERMES (annoyed, still pacing)
I gave them a second. I gave them several seconds. I’ve been ready to go out forevvvvvvvvvvvvvver.
Artemis walks through, brushing her hair.
Some of us realize that speed is only virtue. To hun—err—to be successful on the bar scene, one requires all their talents and preparations.
Oh please. Like you aren’t going to freak everyone out, again, with your “I am the huntress” routine at the cl—.
Hermes stops abruptly as Hades walks in the room.
HADES (confused, hurt)
You guys going somewhere?
Don’t worry, it’s not the place with the shark tank. Apparently that place was “beat.” I thought it was awesome, but what do I know?
HADES (either ignoring it or not really hearing it)
Again, guys? Again?! I love going out. You know this! Why are you always trying to ditch me?
Oh, don’t get upset, Uncie. You know we don’t mean anything by it. I mean…Demeter and Hestia aren’t going either.
HADES (to them)
They didn’t invite you either?
Oh no, they did. I just got made this wheat flour from our crops today though.
And we just had to make some bread with it. You know how we love to cook.
Well…well…how about Dionysus and Eros? Did you leave them out too?
HERMES (without thinking)
They’re already there man. Which is where I should be!
Stops himself, looks sheepish.
HERMES (embarrassed, quiet)
And, umm, you too, obviously. We both should be. I totally told everyone it was uncool that we did—
HADES (interrupting Hermes, disinterested in his backpedalling)
Unbelievable! I bet you’d invite Ares, that warmonger, if he was here rather than being embroiled in whatever stupid conflict--
ALL AT ONCE
Which, while we disagree with, we greatly respect him for serving in.
APOLLO (strolling into the room, nose literally high in the air. Speaks in a confident, affected voice)
The truth is you are weird, Hades. You make the people we run into uncomfortable. All that death talk is…unnerving, you know? We won’t the mortals to be…effervescent. Not contemplating their mortality.
There’s nothing weird or creepy about death. It is a part of life, just as beauti—
ARTEMIS (cutting him off)
No, no he’s right. You totally spook the pre—err—people.
Hades storms out of the room, shouting over his shoulder
Screw you guys! I’m going upstairs and changing and I am most certainly coming with you!
HADES (continuing out of sight)
And death is not creepy. Twins are creepy!
Artemis closes her hands into fists at her sides while Hera restrains her with a hand on her shoulder. Apollo merely looks away, bored.
ZEUS (wandering in, heavily sighing)
Moving amongst the mortals were so much easier when we weren’t…Earthbound.
HERA (wrapping her arms around him, taking a cheerful tone)
I don’t know…I’ve rather grown to like it.
He says nothing, only harrumphing in response.
Plus, you’ve been so much more…monogamous since the transition.
ZEUS (mumbling to himself)
Yes…I have so enjoyed that, too.
Did you say something dear?
ZEUS (acting innocent)
Hmm? No, not really. I merely agreed.
HERA (a quick wrap on the back of his head)
Good. That is what I thought you were saying.
Angry arguing can be heard coming down the hall. Aphrodite bursts into the room with Hephaestus wheeling close behind.
APHRODITE (whirling back to him)
..and all I am saying is I will dance with whomever I damn well please, whenever I damn well please it!
HEPH (trying to keep an even voice)
Dancing is fine, you know that. It’s the…what do you call it…grinding? That’s what I object to.
APHRODITE (rolling her eyes)
Oh, whatever. If you would dance with me, I wouldn’t have to dance with anyone else.
Don’t you think I would if I could?
You’re a god!
I’m not saying it makes sense, I’m just saying that that’s the way it is.
APHRODITE (turning away, annoyance in her voice)
I’m going to go wait in the car.
Ooo, ooo, me too!
HEPH (shrugging at the group)
You know how she can be…she just gets nervous sometimes, I think.
Everyone politely looks away without commenting, Heph sighs heavily, drooping his shoulders. Athena looks back after a moment.
If you think about, it makes sense you guys would have these problems. She’s a very sexual creature and she needs to express that. It’s just logical, you know.
Thanks, Ath…very helpful.
Sorry. Just the way it is.
The room lapses into awkward silence until Poseidon returns, holding a large fish.
Check it out, guys! It’s a blue! Biggest one I’ve seen in sometime. AND I’M THE GOD OF THE SEA!
No one reacts.
I’m putting it in the pool. He’s our new pet…you will refer to him as Sir Chester Winsworth. I, on the other hand, will call him Win! Perhaps, in time, he will allow others to as well, but from what I have seen here so far, that day is a long time from now. Huzzah!
Runs into Hades as he leaves the room, clutches the fish to himself protectively.
I see you’ve got a fish there.
POSEIDON (scurrying from the room, speaking rapidly)
Yes his names is Chester Winsworth please don’t kill him.
HADES (shouting after him, annoyed)
That’s not how it works. You know that!
Turns back to the group
ZEUS (looking awkward)
So…I guess we should go then…
He gets up from the couch and leaves. The others quickly fall into line behind him.
HADES (mumbling to himself as he walks behind everyone else)
I’m not creepy. I’m not. I like dancing. And coffee. And music. And that movie with the toys that come to life. I am very likeable. People should know that about me…
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