Over the weekend, Zack Snyder released an “image” of Darkseid that could have been but never was in JUSTIC LEAGUE. I put image in quotes because even the largest cleanest version of it I could find depicts a Darkseid so small and far away that he registers as a grey humanoid shape. One could literally say it showed an image of Aztek the Ultimate Man from the JUSTICE LEAGUE movie and it would be nearly as believable. Hell, you could tell me it was my dad, or yours for that matter, and beyond saying, “Are you sure, the figure is so far away,” we could not much engage with the topic.
With that in mind, I think we all need to face up to what is happening here. Zack Snyder has become the J.K. Rowling of the DCEU.
To explain, Rowling has, on occasion, seen fit to issue a “fact” about the Harry Potter universe that was never presented on the printed page. They ranged from the “damn it, J.K., why didn’t you write in the damn books,” of the Dumbledore is gay announcement to the “Christ, Ms. Rowling, no needed this” of the “wizard wished their poop away rather than embrace the flushable toilet for years” announcement. None offensive, per se, but none particularly necessary.
Snyder, for months now, has engaged in a similar slow leak of information. One notable difference is Snyder’s leaks serve to rile up an unhappy fandom that feels denied something owed. Rowling’s “additions” may cause an eye roll or two but they feel kind of like your younger cousin who is now adding details to the story they told you in a desperate attempt to keep your attention. Innocuous is annoying. Snyder is more like the uncle who keeps promising you he’ll give you stuff everyone else tells you will never happen. “Don’t listen to Uncle Zack. He does not have a motorcycle for you when you turn 16.”
But hey, no reason we can’t all get in on the fun. With that in mind, here are the next 10 “leaks” Zack Snyder will offer up to get fans screeching for a Snyder Cut that will never come.
1.) JUSTICE LEAGUE includes several key SUCKER PUNCH Easter eggs that actually explain and deepen both films.
2.) After coming back to life, Superman totally embezzles for months from a local Savings and Loan in Smallville until he gets his head back on straight and flies off to help the League defeat Steppenwolf and, let’s say, Granny Goodness too.
3.) Batman and Vicki Vale, who will be in the Snyder cut, make the sweetest of love to Solsibury Hill by Peter Gabriel, in the Batwing. It is a very classy, very powerful choice.
4.) Who’s your favorite DC hero? Ambush Bug? Really? Well…ok, yeah. Ambush Bug is totally in the filmed footage that has never been seen. Super important to the story too.
5.) Flash not only visits his dad in the Snyder Cut, but he also proves his dad’s innocence, travels back in time to save his mom, reunites his famly, and gets an even bulkier, more wind resistant costume.
6.) For those that love BATMAN V SUPERMAN, don’t worry! More scenes of Superman sitting on his couch at home, feeling sad about how mean the media is while doing nothing to help his fellow man.
7.) Wonder Woman is great in a way that allows Snyder fans to give him more credit for it and less to both Jenkins and Gadot.
8.) 85% of joke eliminated. Fuck your silly need to laugh!
9.) Darkseid totally MERCS everyone at the end of the movie. So much murder man. So crazy. Hope all you big naïve babies can handle the realness.
10.) Established Geoff John as the Stan Lee of the DCEU with the first of many cameos. What was Johns? Ooooo, can’t tell! But let’s just say it rhymes with “mice dream can.” (He plays an ice cream man. But keep that quiet, ok?)