Several of my readers are the types to call Football "Sports Ball." This is terrible. Don't be this kind of person.

That said, I get it. Sports isn't for everyone. And then the Super Bowl comes along (yeah, I said Super Bowl, NFL. COME AT ME!) and you are stuck having to sit through the longest football game in human history just to access the greasy food, the halftime show, and whatever the coolest movie trailer of the game is going to be.

I got you though. First, no "sports ball." I'm serious! Second, don't bring up "Last Man." It's a dumb competition that glorifies ignorance and the idea that avoiding something popular makes you cool.

And then, use these terms.

Brady is yelling out "Buy my book! Buy my pseudoscience book!" (betanews.com)

Terms to Use to Survive the Super Bowl

Offense

Yards after catch

Touchdowns

Protecting the passer

Creating separation

Moving the ball

Running downhill

Keeping their defense off the field

Shredding the other team's defense

Defense

Hurrying the passer

Sack

Interception

Stifling the run

Hard hits

Punishing hits

Making them cough up the ball

Fumble

Use these terms paired with "We need to do more of" when discussing the team you are cheering for. When you are discussing the other team use something like "We really need to stop them from," or something to that effect.

That's it. no go out there this weekend and have a great time.

Watching the Super Bowl!

I can honestly not imagine a more noxious Super Bowl. Wait, no. Patriots v. Cowboys. There. I did it. (dailyplayaction.com)

(SUCK IT NFL!)