Six or so years ago, photographer David Slater set up a camera to enable monkeys to take selfies. One no doubt millennial monkey by the name of Naruto stepped up and did the damn thing, snapping the pic above that I have posted without attribution because, well, you’ll see.
David Slater thought, correctly, “This is a great picture. I be the world might like to see it,” and thus shared it with the world. The picture proved quite popular—Naruto is a natural, so it only makes sense—and the picture spread and with it Slater’s coffers were enriched.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) could not let this stand. After all the art was Naruto’s, not Slater’s. Slater was, in the parlance of our time, a low-down dirty thief. So they sued on behalf of Naruto. The court initially ruled that as Naruto was a monkey and not a human being, he had no standing regarding trademarks. PETA appealed.
Slater, no doubt overwhelmed with guilt over the horrible horrible thing he had done, finally gave in last week and settled. He will give over 25% of the profits he makes off the photo to charities dedicated to protecting the natural habitats of Naruto’s primate brothers and sisters.
This is nonsense. That money is Naruto’s, not some foundations. Slater should be paying it direct.
And once the photographer does the REAL right thing, I’m here to help Naruto decide how to spend it smartly.
10 Ways Naruto MUST Spend The Cash From His Art
1.) Bananas- I, like all right thinking people, think bananas are a whole lot of gross masquerading as “high in potassium” as though that’s supposed to make it ok how gross they are. That said, monkeys of all kinds just go ape for the yellow tubes. Naruto deserves to have a little fun with his money and indulge that potassium (?) tooth.
2.) A low risk investment portfolio- Is tempting when you come into some cash to imagine the well will never run dry. Alas, that is not how life tends to work. It is only a matter of time before a sloth films herself dabbing or whatever and then no one is gonna care about Naruto’s selfie. Time to invest now and save some money for the rainy days to come.
3.) Charitable donations- Naruto’s art is a gift, it is only right he pay it forward. Might I suggest he donate it to the Kansas City chapter of the Susan Komen Foundation. It’d just be a classy thing to do. PLUS! TAX WRITE OFF! BONUS!
4.) Take a trip- Too often the newly rich focus on the acquisition of goods when the acquisition of experiences is so much more rewarding. Naruto ought to hop a plane and see the world. Why not start with the world’s smallest natural waterfall, you adorably rich money you!
5.) New threads- There will be gallery openings, talk show appearances, perhaps an award show appearance or two. Naruto should dress the part. Remember, my lower primate cousin, no pleats. No one needs extra fabric like that.
6.) A management team- Yes, Bill Murray does it without a team and just a phone number and answering machine. You aren’t Bill Murray Naruto! Don’t get cocky. Recruit yourself a team to help you out, look out for your best interests, and get you some exciting new opportunities. Don’t try to do it all yourself. Tom Cruise did that briefly and people still are saying he jumped up and down on Oprah or something. And Tom Cruise is America’s Greatest Living Movie Star. Again, Naruto, you are no Tom Cruise or Bill Murray. Swallow your pride and hire a team.
7.) Date Taylor Swift- She seems delightful, right? And how cool is it to know you might be the subject of one OR MORE of her smash songs? Answer: very cool.
8.) Buy some property- No need to go all out, but it'll just be nice to have a place you can call all your own that you can escape to to collect your thoughts and create more art.
9.) Start a car dealership- Football players do this all the time. It's nice to have a second source of income that you can largely set and forget.
10.) Buy a professional lacrosse team- They are fairly inexpensive, as football becomes increasingly marginalized due to the concerns about head injuries lacrosse will only rise in popularity, and there’s nothing in the rules that says monkeys can’t be owner/managers of a professional lacrosse franchise.