In case you missed it, for what has to be the fifth time, film studios blamed Rotten Tomatoes for their flagging grosses.
At first, I laughed and shook my head ruefully. Silly film industry.
But then I dug deeper. Thought more. And I was stunned at what my thinking uncovered. Even with a study being released this week indicating that, no, Rotten Tomatoes is not the cause of current financial issues film companies and movie houses are experiencing, I’ve uncovered a massive conspiracy. So I give you now…
10 Ways That Rotten Tomatoes is Killing the Film Industry
1.) Cinemas won’t sell you a ticket for a “Rotten” movie showing- Good luck seeing a movie with less than 60%. Most cinemas these days refuse to sell you a ticket to one, for you own good. Nanny state amirite?
2.) The Tomato-Meter is not about the percent good or bad a movie is- Sure it says that all over the site. Sure it makes it clear that it is just presenting the percent of critics who gave a good review vs. the percent that didn’t, but still. PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND!
3.) They paid that guy who sat next to you all movie texting- Coincidence? Oh no. Rotten Tomatoes pays at least one person to go into very movie showing nationwide to text and tweet and occasionally watch videos while sitting next to you in the theatre.
4.) Rotten Tomatoes is just numbers, no nuance- Sure, you can click through every review that they used to get their percentage and they show you a key sentence from each, but come on! Why can’t they break copyright laws and print the reviews completely on their page. People can’t be expected to click more than once!
5.) Rotten Tomatoes refuses to let theatres properly set their projectors for 3-D v. non-3-D showings- Ever seen a really dark 2-D showing of a movie? That’s usually because the theatre forgot to properly reset the lenses after the projector showed a 3-D movie. Except they didn’t forget. RT forced them not to fix it, probably under penalty of death.
6.) Rotten Tomatoes is owned by the NBC/Universal, the same company that owns Fandango- It’s a conflict of interest! Shouldn’t that mean RT is a tool being used to artificially increase box office grosses? Stop thinking that! That only makes sense and conspiracies never make sense at first!
7.) The drunk giggling set of 12 teens that sat behind you in the movies and definitely droppeda glass bottle that then rolled all the way to the front of the theatre? Rotten Tomatoes again!- See #3 above.
8.) You know how movies have real janky mixes lately. Like the dialogue is whispered but the explosions make your ears bleed? All Rotten Tomatoes.- It’s true. Every sound mixer working in Hollywood right now is in the pocket of big Tomatoes.
9.) Rotten Tomatoes has paid out billions over the past decade to fund TV technology.- Why is your home theatre so bitching now? Thank/blame RT and their massive investment in the future of television.
10.) Rotten Tomatoes forces production companies to make and release terrible movies- Do you think the film industry wanted to release an IMAX project with horrible buzz that people can see on TV with MORE scenes in a month (INHUMANS) over Labor Day weekend? Or a film that had been pushed back over two years and was already written off as a total loss by the experts (TULIP FEVER?) Or that there is only mass release would be 40 year old movie that is incredibly well respected by film lovers but has little pop cultural cache beyond that (CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND)? Of course not! But they had no choice! Rotten Tomatoes had their kids!
Or the weekend before, did you think they WANTED to release an older forgotten animated feature and a faith based film that had an advertising budget of zero as their two widely available of movies? Could you imagine them just writing off two weekends at the end of summer?! Again, Rotten Tomatoes, this time because they had their pets.
See, it is all so clear, all so insidious.