Here in my part of the world it is cloudy and cool, the promise of Fall teasing us for the first time. As a man in his 30s who grew up in New England, Fall is my favorite season—I believe there is some kind of rule about this being a requirement—so I am excited for the season change over this weekend (September 1st, the unofficial start of Fall).
To prepare myself—and you, but mostly me—allow me to lay out some great Fall activities
15 Fall Activities that You Should Enjoy. Come to Connecticut if You Can’t Enjoy Them in Your Place of Dwelling
1.) Eat a Cider Donut- They’re awesome. So incredibly delicious. Get them hot on a farm or at an apple orchard, ideally. If not, Stew Leonard’s will do in a pinch.
2.) Pick Apples- Speaking of apple orchards, get yourself a bag or two or a bucket and go to your local orchard. Pick yourself a bushel. A peck. Several pecks! Pick the trees clean, throw away the ones you cannot carry. Teach the farmers the cost of pridefully growing so many apples.
3.) Jump in a Pile of Leaves- Your neighbors will love when you toss your body into their carefully raked and piled by the curb leaves. They will see you are having fun AND you are thinking about their cardiovascular health by giving them several hours more exercise cleaning up the mess all over again.
4.) Hide in a Pile of Leaves- Be quiet. Oh so quiet. Don’t say a word. Don’t make a sound. Wait. Silent. Very, very silent. Plan. Soon will be the time. Soooooon.
5.) Burn Leaves- No better way to remind Uncle Sam the power lies with the people not their chuckle worthy “environmental laws.”
6.) Eat Two Cider Donuts- It’s been a little while. You deserve a couple more.
7.) Drink Apple Cider- Speaking of cider, drink this stuff by the gallon. There is no better liquid. SUCK IT WATER!
8.) Ferment Apple Cider, Drink the Resulting Apple Jack- It’s like apple cider but booze! Get tore up like Uncle Larry when he fell off the wagon at that wedding. Gosh that was funny! Tragic of course. I mean, he lost EVERYTHING. But funny too.
9.) See Dying Leaves Falling Around You, Realize How Vulnerable We All Are, How Brief Our Time on Earth Is- It’s like…going by so fast, you know? Can you feel the grave coming closer? I can. Oh man, I can.
10.) Carve a Pumpkin- Carve the faces of your enemies into them. They will give you power over those enemies. Use that power. Abuse that power. Make them feel how they’ve made you feel. Make them feel even worse.
11.) Choose a Halloween Costume- Make it sexy AND scary so you hit all quadrants. Perhaps dress as that sub we had in Math that one time. You know the one. In the skirt? Yeah. Her. Scary and sexy. I heard she killed someone. And by heard, I mean saw her kill someone. It was scary. And sexy. But definitely scary.
12.) Take a Haunted Hayride- Remind yourself it is just a silly thing that’s fun to do. None of it is real. None of it. Yes, that scarecrow may seem like it is really walking towards you. Yes, that scythe does look awfully sharp. Yes, the blood does feel awfully real. And yes those screams sounds SO real. But none of it is. Now close your eyes.
13.) Winterize your outdoor tools- It might not be fun but it is necessary. So stop complaining and just do it, damn it.
14.) Eat a Dozen Cider Donuts- So much warm doughy cinnamon-sugary comfort. And you’ve earned it after being nice to Helen and her new boyfriend. His muscles are huge! And that hair! It’s perfect! Mmm, eat more. Don’t stop if you’ll feel again.
15.) Spend time with your families- Remember, it is so much easier to ask them for that loan to buy that sweet new jet ski after you have spent weeks hanging out with them than if you try it after the first time you’ve seen them in a decade.