The Fourth of July—which some in other countries might refer to as July 4th—fast approaches! Sometimes it can be overwhelming and confusing trying to decide how to celebrate America’s birthday.
Is it ok to assure everyone you meet, “The South will rise again?” (Probably not, but in some regions, responses may vary.
Is it a fun time sharing tales of a make believe 50’s era United States where everything was better and if only we could get back to there by, say, stripping non-white non-male types of their rights. (Again, audience is a factor here, but maybe just do the responsible thing and not valorize a fictional time that never was?)
Anyway, with so many choices, it can be a struggle deciding how to tell America, “Happy 241st Birthday! We can’t promise 242!” So here are 10 suggestions, in no particular order, to make things easier
10 Best Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July
1) Fireworks- Loud. Ostentatious. We’d never have it without China. Uses gun powder (oddly, like other products that utilize gun powder, fireworks are also a lot easier to get ahold of these days.)
Pretty quintessentially American, if you ask me.
2) Driving on America’s roads and highways- Celebrate American ingenuity AND a time when the government collected the reasonable amount of taxes needed to keep up and rebuild our infrastructure!
3) Rap about American history- Apparently people just eat that stuff up.
4) Drink only American Lagers- But drink A LOT of them. I mean, just crates of them. Suck it imported beers! USA! USA! USA!
5) Enjoy a Cookiepuss- There is never a wrong time to enjoy this tasty Carvel treat so why not invite the Puss over for some cool treats in July?!
6) Listening to jazz, reading comics- The only truly American forms of art.
7) Cracker Jacks- Not just for ballgames anymore. For best effect, eat them on the back stoop of my grandparents’ old home in Wethersfield, CT. Other people live their now, but I’m sure they won’t mind. It’s the Fourth of July after all, a time to give! Hohoho!
8) Pet a dog- It’s like eating a Cookiepuss, but for your hand.
9) Dwelling on The Crushing Despair for the Future of Our Country- Close the blinds. Turn up the AC. Sit and your kitchen table and weep. Wonder how it could all go bad so fast even though you know the answer. If you voted for 45, self-flagellation is pretty dope accessory to this choice.
10) Wear the American Flag- Preferably as a bathing suit.