New Year’s is just around the corner and one of the most common complaints I hear about it is how people hate there’s only one thing to do to celebrate: get drunk and settle for a kiss from some stranger who you could totally do better than but whatever, it’s New Year’s. So here I am to help you with some alternate activities.

They laughed heartily at Larry's joke. They were faking. It was the 8th time he made that joke that night. (prosinthecity.com)

10 Alternative Ways to Celebrate New Year’s

1.) From 7pm to 1am, just mainline True Crime podcasts- Hope will be your enemy in 2018. Hope will lead to disappointment which will lead to soul crushing despair. Better to start the year terrified of your fellow man or woman and then spend the rest of the year pleasantly surprised no one has attempted to poison your tea on your break at work or run you down with a car as you walk around your neighborhood for a little exercise.

2.) Skip the party, go right to the makeout party- Party’s can be awkward, so skip them. Spend the evening in just kissing on someone and getting kissed on. Take a 10 minute break just before midnight, then restart as 2018 kicks off.

3.) Go to the nearest city’s New Year’s Eve outdoor party- They always have cute names. They are always overcrowded. Often they are cold as hell (it is late on a December night after all). But hey, you pay for your ticket and then just let them cater to you. No planning, inviting, cooking, or clean up needed.

4.) Volunteer-While the rest of your friends are acting like hedonistic monsters, you can do something good AND feel morally superior! What could be better?!

5.) Poetry reading- Poetry is an underappreciated art form. It can be funny, action-packed, heartfelt, sexy, even straight up naughty. Redeem it on the eve of 2018 and spend the rest of the year discovering how awesome poetry really is.

6.) Engage in some kind of dangerous magic ritual- New Year’s Eve is a great time to mess with dark energies you barely understand. You might end up immortal, with tentacles, or bringing an end to all that is. One way to find out!

7.) Dance contest- I’m sure Hippodrome has one going on. Dance til you drop, do some molly, and repeat as necessary until you get that sweet statue!

8.) Karaoke- Sure, Adele can sing ok, but she’s no you, right? Show the world as your scream-sing in the New Year surrounded by 4 or 5 people that love you and a whole lot more who wish you’d just stop it.

9.) At home, alone- No one can throw a party you’ll love quite like you can. And with no one else, you don’t have to worry about making anyone else happy.

10.) Watch my kids for free- You don’t like parties. So sorry! I happen to you. Come on over and babysit my kids for free so The Thunder and I go out and get tore up like Tony Stark before Ubering home and sending you on your way. Happy New Year’s to us all!