Christmas is almost here! And Christmas, as we all know, is a holiday devoid of stress. Almost entirely, in fact, right? Expect for one thing. What to put in that stocking. No worries though, here I am with the definitive guide to filling your loved ones stocking.

Definitive Stocking Fillers (in no particular order)

1.) Popcorn Ball- Will anyone eat it? Chance are, no. But that’s not the point. The point is 1.) tradition 2.) if someone is bold enough to try it, they’ll find a delicious treat and 3.) it fills the toe nicely.

2.) Orange- The popcorn ball mostly does the job, but the toe always needs a little more and the classic solution is fruit. You might say, “But I like apples more,” and of course you do. We all do. But an orange can live in your stocking for the 12 days of Christmas and not be a problem at all. An apple though can get problematic. You have to go with the fruit covered in a protective rind.

3.) Small bag of candy- No, it isn’t all about food. But, it is a little bit. So do the right thing and load up your loved ones’ stocking with a bit of their favorite candy, won’t you? If their favorite candy is something jellied or gummy, feel free to substitute something decent like peanut butter cups or peppermint patties.

4.) A small knickknack or toy- This is your laser pointer or nostalgia inducing Hot Wheels car or 3 inch version of their favorite comic book character, etc etc. It’s not functional, it’s just fun. And even if it is just fun for a day or two, it’s paid itself off, in essence.

5.) Tickets, Gift Certificates to a place- You want your loved one to get out of the house now and again and this is the means to facilitate such a trip. To be clear here, we are not talking gift certificates to Barnes and Noble. We are talking movie gift cards, restaurant gift cards, or tickets to a show or concert. I know you are thinking that this is a big ticket item for a stocking and, yes, it is. But that’s part of the fun. Flip the paradigm!

6.) Toiletries- Scoff if you must but toiletries are some of most weirdly expensive items we need all the time. If you can throw something in your spouse’s, child’s, whoever’s stocking that saves them from even one cycle of buying deodorant, toothpaste, razors, toothbrushes, shaving cream etc, you are a Christmas hero.

7.) A card- Money or not, a card is nice thing to throw in a stocking. Show a little heart, a little humor, and boom, it’s perfect. A lot of modern cards are lousy so don’t be afraid to go the wrong holiday route or the blank card route, depending what side of the funny/sweet divide you want to land on.

8.) A candy cane- Peppermint is best but, if you must, feel free to match the flavor to your loved one’s favorite. Be sure to hook it on the stocking, staff portion inside, curved part peeking out.

Well there you go, I just helped you pack the perfect stocking. Seasons Greetings!