February 6, 2012: I'm Too Sexy

By: Tim Stevens

Song: I’m Too Sexy

Artist: Right Said Fred

Album: Up

Listen to the song of inspiration here

Well Hello There Handsome, Better to be proud than falsely modest

(Picture taken from http://koolcampus.wordpress.com/)

DAVID is walking around the room, packing things in a duffel bag. Cassie is sitting on the end of a messy bed watching him incredulously.


And we’re breaking up?

DAVID shrugs and nods, not really breaking stride


Because you are

BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY (CASSIE’s sounds like a question, DAVID’s is more of a definitive statement)


DAVID (without sign of irony or that this could be a hard/uncomfortable situation)

Yes. Exactly yes. Glad to hear you understand and are onboard.

CASSIE (clearly confused)

I—well—it’s not really my choice to be onboard or not. If you want to break up, I can’t stop it. But I definitely don’t understand.

DAVID (surprised)


CASSIE (annoyed)

Yes! Really! I was under the impression we were both pretty happy.


Oh, we are. I certainly am. Very happy, in fact.


But we’re breaking up?




But we are both happy?




But we’re breaking up?

DAVID (excited she seems to be getting it)



See…I’m having a hard time with how both those could be true.

DAVID (sitting on the bed, putting his hand on her knee)

Ok…I think I’m seeing the problem. So, it’s like this. I love you. I’m happy. You are a good girlfriend.




Well, except nothing. Honestly. It’s just that…I’m excellent.




Good. You get it now, right?



DAVID (seems a little confused how she can’t get this)

Let me try this. I’m me.

Points to himself



Points to her.

CASSIE (exasperated)

That. Explains. NOTHING!

DAVID (unshaken almost as though he doesn’t even notice)

We’d both agree that I am wonderful, right?

CASSIE (sighs)

This conversation excluded, yes.


And you, Cassie, you are good. Great even. But…

He pauses for a moment

DAVID (almost apologetic in tone)

Like you agreed, I’m wonderful. So…well…it’s kind of wrong if you think about it. You know, for wonderful to…settle for someone who’s just. Or great even.

He pats her knee and stands up, seemingly confusing her stunned silence with the silence of agreement.

DAVID (walking into the bathroom)

Good talk.

Walks in bathroom, sounds of things opening and closing.

DAVID (from the bathroom)

Have you seen my nail clippers? You have two pairs and I had one, but only see your two? Cassie? Eh…I’ll buy another one later today. No big deal.

Walks back into bedroom. CASSIE throws a pillow at him.


You must be kidding me! I’m just “good.”


Or, you know, great even.


So that’s it then? You never loved me?!


What? No, no! I loved you. I love you. Quite a bit, in fact. But you know…

Points to self, shrugs




What exactly makes you wonderful and me not?

David starts to take off his shirt.

CASSIE (angry)

What are you doing?!

DAVID (confused, shirt bunched up on one arm only)

I mean, you asked, right? So, here’s exhibit one. This body. It’s a damn good body.

CASSIE (resigned)

Granted. But…I have a nice body, too.

DAVID (shrugging)

Sure. I mean…great breasts, for certain.

CASSIE (incensed)

Just breasts?!


No, no, no. Not just. Just…mostly.

CASSIE (muttering)

You are… unbelievable. You really believe you’re better than me…


Don’t get me wrong here, Cassie. I don’t want to be better than you. I just am. I went to a better school where I get better grades. I have a better job than you. My apartment is much cleaner than yours. I eat better than you. I can dunk. I’m pretty sure you can’t.

CASSIE (hands on hips, so angry she is almost crying now)

Are you done?

DAVID (proceeding as though he didn’t hear her)

My exes still call me all the time and offer me no-strings-attached sex. Or lots-of-strings-attached serious relationships. My parents are still married. And in love.


My father is dead!


Good point. That’s another one. Both my parents are still alive.

Cassie flops on the bed, covers her eyes, and sobs.

DAVID (sitting next to her)

Oh, Cass…don’t be sad. We’ll find someone else for you. Oh, I know. Barry.

CASSIE (wiping her eyes, propping herself up on her elbows, speaking suspiciously)

Why Barry?


Why not Barry? Or, George? Or Fred? All good guys, even great, and people you can date.

CASSIE (tenaciously)

Yes, but you didn’t say any of them. You said Barry. Like…right away. So, why Barry?


Is it the blind thing? Is that why you are being weird? Because he’s blind? Wow…I mean, I know I’m better than you but I never realized you were a bigot.

CASSIE (on the defensive)

I’m not a bigot! I have no problem with Barry’s…disability…

She trails off before rallying back


Wait! That’s why you suggested him, isn’t it? Because he’s blind?!




Are you serious?


I just figured…I mean, he’d be a good fit for you. He could… appreciate your…assets…

DAVID makes the international sign for curvy in the air.

DAVID (continuing)

…and overlook your…deficiencies.

DAVID circles his face a few times and then points to her.


So…you get it now?


Oh, I get it!

DAVID (relieved)

Excellent! Good bye then.

Hoists his bag onto his shoulder, walks out the bedroom door to the hall. Walks back in a moment later


Just to you know, until I do find an equal to date, I am…available. So, if you want…

He gestures up and down his torso


…all this, just give me a call. Like I said before, you have great breasts, so I’d be happy to see them again.

She just stares at him.


Well, something to consider. Oh, and I’m leaving the cat. The cat is…decidedly not magnificent.

He leaves whistling.

Tim Stevens is the creator of this contest and The January Project. His writing can be found all over the web including Marvel Comics websiteThe Living Room Times, and New Paris Press. He can be found on Twitter @UnGajje where he talks about Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, comics, movies, TV, politics, and his family just the right amount.