By: Heather Weinberg
Song: Don’t Go
Artist: Bring Me The Horizon
Album: There is a Hell, Believe Me I’ve Seen It. There is a Heaven, Let’s Keep It a Secret.
Image by Heather Weinberg © 2011
When she sits there, looking at me like that, I know she has no idea who I am. She thinks she does, but she doesn’t. She fancies herself to be perceptive, to understand people and the motivations behind their behavior. I know she wouldn’t be able to look at me like that if she really knew me.
Self-hatred is something I comprehend, but she can’t grasp. Her inability to fathom the gravity and extent of what could lie beneath a shiny surface is superficial at best and moronic at worst. Supposedly, it’s important to her to communicate openly about emotions, to share everything. She doesn’t really want that. She couldn’t know what that means, everything. So I smile when I’m supposed to smile.
Closing her out is less about hiding and more about avoiding. The energy I put into pretending isn’t half the energy it would take to face it. Maybe I do wish things could be another way, but I’ll never know. It’s remarkable how easily the mind lets go of sentiments, of genuine humanness. Lies have a way of feeling like the truth after a while, and I’ve had a lot of time to practice.
She helps hold up this mask for me without ever knowing that she is on stage. I couldn’t do this alone. And if I can be what she wants, then she needs me too. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what it is that you need someone for, only that they serve the purpose. I’ve never been able to find the line between loving someone and needing someone.
I think I would die without her.
I wish she would stop looking at me like that.
Heather Weinberg is heiress to the Chicken in a Biskit snack cracker fortune. She spends her days pretending to do charity work and her nights not pretending to get waste-a-lated while wearing a lot of make up. Heather once bought a purse that cost $75,000 and then threw it away right in front of a homeless man. None of what Heather just wrote about herself is true.
Read her blog even though she lied to you.
Email her and tell her that her sh*t does, in fact, stink.