Song: “Sheep Go To Heaven” by Cake from Prolonging the Magic

Listen to it here

To Whom It May Concern,

With regrets I must tender my resignation, effective immediately.

Regards, Alex Griggin

Dear Mr. Ronalds, Mrs. Poer, and Ms. Fillick,

I feel my resignation letter was, in retrospect, too brief. After 3 years with your company, it feels inappropriate to not offer some explanation.

While I have greatly valued my experiences with the company and all the time you (and so many more) people who work here took to help me improve, it has become increasingly clear to me I have grown beyond what the position offers me. This was not an easy decision but I do feel like it is the right one for me, for my professional development, and ultimately for the company as well.

Thank you for everything,

Alex Griggin

Mr. Ronalds, Mrs. Poer, and Ms. Fillick,

I regret to inform you I was not being entirely honest in my last email. The truth is I am leaving because I no longer wish to work for you or the company. It is, frankly desperately boring work. Anyone who can avoid doing it should. So I am.

Byyyyyyyyyye,

Alex Griggin

Dearest Ms. Fillick,

Regarding my previous email, our Thursday night “meetings” were the only reason I stayed as long as I did. I know your husband found out and I understand you must make the right choices for your family. Still, it is simply too difficult to stay on and see you so regularly and know I can’t hold you ever again.

Your partner in crime,

PS To be clear though, the work was boring. Also I had not really been doing it for months.

Yo RONALDS!

I’m still coming to the poker games though. You know I love you and the boy brigade. And nothing sweeter than being the only lady there and taking all your money!

OUT!

Griggin the Goblin

Well, Mr. Ronalds, if that’s how you feel about how I choose to spend my last 6 months, then fine. I won’t come to the poker game anymore. Whatever. I’ll set up my own game. Don’t think Larry, Goober, Stinky Pete, and the Incredible Flexible Felix won’t ditch you in a second!

SUCKA!

Oh…not to make it weird but…I left my green jacket there last time. Can I…get that back?

Thanks Mr. Ronalds.

Mrs. Poer,

Your work was the most boring. Not your fault. They don’t appreciate you there. My dad owns The Mills and they’re looking for someone with your skills. Probably a pay bump too. Let me know if you’re interested.

Don’t let the bastards drag you down,

A-Bomb!

Dr. Dillick,

I accidentally sent those emails to you. I didn’t realize I mistyped the D instead of the F. I’m sure you understand. Won’t happen again (well, I’m quitting so it wouldn’t anyway but you get me). The thing about Stacey and I though…you can keep that quiet, right?

With intense appreciation,

Alex Griggin

Dr. Dillick,

I, of course, meant Ms. Fillick and no I was not referring to anything untoward. I would appreciate you forgetting you ever read that and not trying to figure out exactly what I meant by it.

Begging,

Alex Griggin

To Whom It May Concern,

I have liberated many many reams of paper from the supply closet. Dr. Dillick encouraged me to do so. He also keeps telling me how much he thinks about Ms. Fillick and I together, in a physical way. As you are all no doubt aware, Ms. Fillick and I are 100% professional at all times and this would never happen. Please request he curtail these comments or I will be forced to file a lawsuit.

Warmest regards,

Alex Griggin