READER SUGGESTION “Filthy” by Timberlake, Justin
Listen to it here
Maximum Results Lab
To: All Floor 8 Staff
From: Tim Stevens
CC: HR, Administration, Board of Directors
Re: Proper Care and Feeding of "Julien"
There have several recent episodes regarding “Julien” necessitating a review of how to approach the creature to provide him with outdoor time and feed him.
Below is a list of steps and things to keep in mind:
1.) For convenience and safety outdoor and feeding times are always done at the same time. Do not attempt to do one without the other. It is confusing to other staff and may lead to over or underfeeding, both of which have significant consequences.
2.) Julien always has fruits and veggies available to him via the triggers in his cage and he has gotten good enough at manipulating them that we no longer need to provide them at meal times. Thus, you need only feed him a “mean serving” of pan fried meat. The meat has already been divided so simply grab one container out of the fridge before meal time.
3.) Only use the red bowl. Do NOT ever use any other color. Especially blue. This cannot be stressed enough.
4.) Some have become convinced that Julien is not really in his cage but has been swapped out for a stuffed animal approximation of him. If you suspect this, call Security on the orange line. No matter how fake he may appear, he has so far proven, every time to be real. So real, in fact
5.) Using the robot arm, open the inner cage door. Allow Julien to walk out himself. Do not attempt to get his attention or rush him. He is, in the words of our founder, “all that beast.”
6.) Outdoor time is not meant to be taken literally. It simply refers to time outside of the smaller cage. Never open the outer cage.
7.) While smoking was previously allowed in the building, it is no longer. Nor is vaping. It works up Julien.
8.) There is no reason to leave third shift before 6 in the morning. None.
9.) Julien will sometimes present as though he would like you to place your hands on his body. No matter how much he seems to be asking for this, do not do so. At best you will end up with very dirty hands. More likely? No hands to be dirty.
10.) Again, sometimes you may think he is fake. Julien is so real and will make you regret thinking otherwise.