“H.W.C.” by Phair, Liz from Liz Phair

Hayden
I’m not saying that!

Brynna
Why not?

Hayden
It’s gross.

Brynna
He won’t think so.

Hayden
Yes he will.

Brynna
I guarantee he’ll love it.

Hayden
How do you know?

Brynna
Because it’s hot.

Hayden
No. No it isn’t.

Brynna
You’re so puritanical.

Hayden
I am not!

Brynna
Oh you so are. You totes are.

Hayden
I just don’t like talking like that!

Brynna
Why not?!

Hayden
I told you! It’s gross.

Brynna
It’s dirty. That doesn’t mean it’s gross.

Hayden
It does to me.

Brynna
But will it to him?

Hayden
I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it. I’m not saying it.

Brynna
Hey you asked me.

Hayden
I know. I just…
I guess I wasn’t expecting that as the advice.

Brynna
Sorry.

Hayden
No. It’s just not me, I guess.

Brynna
I guess.

Hayden
But you say it?

Brynna
Definitely.

Hayden
And you don’t feel like…wrong about it?

Brynna
I guess I feel a little dirty or naughty or whatever.
That’s kind of the point though.

Hayden
Why?

Brynna
I don’t know.
It’s like playing pretend.

Hayden
But don’t you want him, you know, with you?
Not a character?

Brynna
He is with me. That’s a part of me.
I mean, I do want him. I do want that, in some way, at least.

Hayden
I…
I don’t think that is part of me.

Brynna
It doesn’t have to be.
It was just something I do. You don’t have to.

Hayden
I feel sorta bad now, I guess.
Like…what if he wants that?

Brynna
Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t.

Hayden
But if he does?

Brynna
Would you do it for me if he did?
Even though you don’t like it?

Hayden
I don’t know.

Brynna
You do. You wouldn’t. It’s obvious.

Hayden
But if he hates me because I won’t?

Brynna
First, he wouldn’t.
Second, if it’s a dealbreaker, that’s the way it goes.
I won’t do some stuff he likes, but it’s whatever.
He doesn’t want those things enough to leave me.
If he did, well, we aren’t compatible.

Hayden
But what if it’s like his favorite?
And it isn’t a really big deal to do, you know?

Brynna
Except it is to you.
You’d feel gross.

Hayden
Yeah. No. Yeah, you’re right.

Brynna
If it’s favorite and he can’t live without it, then…
You know?

Hayden
It seems like such a dumb reason to break up is all.

Brynna
You haven’t broken up!
You are so ahead of things.
You just asked me for something you could try.
It’s not like he asked for it or anything.

Hayden
Right. You’re right.
I just…
I worry he might be getting bored already.

Brynna
He’s not. You’re hot. He knows it.

Hayden
LOL. I am NOT hot.

Brynna
Ask him. I bet he thinks you are.

Hayden
Maybe he only thinks girls that say stuff like that are.
And he thinks I am and he’s just waiting for me to start.
Like he thinks it is a year anniversary thing for me or something.

Brynna
Maybe.
Or maybe you are just totes being silly.

Hayden
Prolly.

Brynna
So stop.
Don’t decide for him he wants to dump you.

Hayden
You’re right. Obvi.
I’m just being dumb.

Hayden
I can’t believe you say stuff like that. So filthy.

Brynna
Mmm, you know it.

Brynna
I bet your dad would be into it.

Hayden
OH GOD! Don’t be disgusting,

Brynna
I could be your new stepmom!

Hayden
I hate you!
That’s putrid.
How am I going to look at him when he takes me to dinner tonight?

Brynna
I can come along!

Hayden
Good bye.
We are no longer friends.

Brynna
Heh heh.

Brynna
So meet you at the Coop at 10 tonight?

Hayden
Ugh.
Fine. Sounds good.
But no more talking about marrying my dad.

Brynna
Ok.
Just a friends with benefits thing then?

Hayden
GOOD BYE!