Song: “The Old Apartment” by Barenaked Ladies from Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits (1991–2001)

Dear Mr. Montgomery and Mr. Cliff,

After reviewing both of your descriptions of the what happened in your apartment on the afternoon of March 12th as well as the testimonies of several of your neighbors, the Tenants Association Board has determined to issue you a formal write-up and levy a fine for violation of the agreement you both signed when you moved into this building.

While we had, heretofore, found you both delightful and conscientious neighbors, the theories of what happened that you both presented were difficult to believe. The idea that a former tenant, who we know for a fact is living happily with his fiancée in a new home, would not only break into our building and his former, your current, apartment but would then vandalize it, raise a significant amount of noise, and generally behave in an antisocial manner is so far-fetched as to be nearly science fiction.

We can appreciate that, now and again, tempers flare. Roommates become angry with one another. Situations spin out of control. That is why we are more than happy to retain you as residents and not activate the removal clause in your rental agreement. As this is your first transgression, we are all confident that it is an isolated incident.

We consider the matter closed at this time. With that in mind, we ask that you no longer relate the story of a former resident, who remains a friend to many of us, “making off with” your dish rack or demanding to know where the mousetrap is now located. There is no reason to maintain this ridiculous charade.

We thank you and look forward to your compliance as we rebuild our neighborly bonds,

Francine Belmont
President, Tenants’ Association Board