Song: “It’s Good to be King” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers from Wildflowers

Dear Youthful Subject,

Thank you for your letter. I always enjoy hearing from the children of my kingdom. You truly are our future, provided you remember your loyalty oath and never behave in any way that violates the laws I have made that were passed down to me from the ancient ones while I slumbered.

To address your inquiry, yes, it is indeed good to be King. It is certainly preferable to the other jobs I have heard about people working. Lawyer? Accountant? Office drone? Please!

(Although I confess I do not know exactly what an office drone is, I’ve just heard other speak of it. If it involves being part robot or something like that, it might be a top 5 job. Behind King (of course), race car driver, and ice cream store worker. Can you imagine? Working around ice cream all day? My goodness! I’d gain so much weight but boy would I be happy!)

You also mentioned you thought it would be great to be King because it would mean being able to help others and meeting other interesting world leaders. Which I suppose is alright as these things go. Between you and me though, here’s a list of why I really like being King, in no particular order.

1.) I have a chef who makes me whatever I want, whenever I want. One week, I ate grilled cheese sandwiches for every meal. EVERY MEAL! What a world, I tell you.

2.) Sex. You’re only in third grade so you should probably ask your parents or your computer for clarification on this, but let me just say I get it ALL THE TIME! From whomever! Women? You bet! Men? Sure, sometimes it’s fun to explore! Robot? Of course! Although the metal can be awfully chilly in the morning so it is best to wait for mid-afternoon for robot sex.

3.) I get to drive. Fast. And no one can say anything about it.

4.) I have every SLEEPWALKER comic every written. Three copies in fact. One to read, one to save I storage for future generations in case some horrible war takes place, and a third for display to make other world leaders jealous. Sure, they try to place it cool, but I can tell.

5.) If I don’t like someone, I just tell the head of my secret police and that person ceases to exist. In like 3 hours. I usually watch a movie while I wait. THE RESCUERS DOWN UNDER is my favorite. What’s your favorite movie? I hope it is not TITANIC because I think that is a bad and boring movie that my mom sometimes made me watch. If that’s your favorite movie…well, you shouldn’t tell me.

6.) I go to bed whenever I want and wake up whenever I want. It might not sound like much but, if you think about it, it really is valuable.

Ok, I have to go. I’m supposed to cut a ribbon I think and then participate in an orgy. I hear Lance Henricksen of ALIENS fame might be there. EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Warmest regards,

King Hubert