January 17, 2012: I Have the Touch

Letter: G
CD Number: 17
Track Number: 13

Song: “I Have the Touch” (remix) by Gabriel, Peter from Shaking the Tree

Crowded Subway, Watch out for rubbing!
(Picture taken from http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/taking-up-space/crowded-subway/)

There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s really not. What I do is…well, it’s not right per se, but it’s okay. It’s victimless. I don’t hurt anyone. Ever. I have rules. I draw lines. I’m not like those guys I see on TV. I’m not like those guys on the web.

It’s not to say I think it’s normal. I know it’s not. Your average John or Jane doesn’t do what I do. But that’s okay. We all have our things, you know? Maybe you’re into something I think it messed. Probably you are, actually. Like, statistically speaking. But that’s okay, too. Different thing, same deal, right? Don’t judge lest ye be judged. Yeah, I’m all about that.

I wasn’t always this okay with it. I used to fight it. A lot. Tell myself I needed to be in control, that if I just tried hard enough, everything would be fine. Then, one day without fail, I’d screw up, lose it a bit, and end up feeling just awful. Like can’t leave the house for days awful. Finally, I’d convince myself it was just a one- time thing and start all over again.

I almost got caught once. Actually, I was caught. I mean, I was almost punished once. There was screaming and yelling and I got a huge bruise on my shin from something. I was so amped up I didn’t notice until I was home.

That was scary. Terrifying.

So I made a choice. No more deluding myself. I couldn’t stop. But I could be more responsible. So that’s where I am now. I let it out just a little, here, there, everywhere all day. I am quick and quiet and no one is hurt or sad and neither I am, for once.

So, yes, what I do is different. But, please, it’s not wrong. It can’t be. Why would I want to do it so much if it was? Not wrong. Just different. No victims. No victims.

Not wrong, just different.

And I’m in control now.

I promise.

Reach out and touch me at tim.g.stevens@gmail.com or @ungajje on the Twitter. Let me know what you love and what you hate. And please, do spread the word.