CD Number: 17
Track Number: 13
Song: “I Have the Touch” (remix) by Gabriel, Peter from Shaking the Tree
(Picture taken from http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/taking-up-space/crowded-subway/)
There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s really not. What I do is…well, it’s not right per se, but it’s okay. It’s victimless. I don’t hurt anyone. Ever. I have rules. I draw lines. I’m not like those guys I see on TV. I’m not like those guys on the web.
It’s not to say I think it’s normal. I know it’s not. Your average John or Jane doesn’t do what I do. But that’s okay. We all have our things, you know? Maybe you’re into something I think it messed. Probably you are, actually. Like, statistically speaking. But that’s okay, too. Different thing, same deal, right? Don’t judge lest ye be judged. Yeah, I’m all about that.
I wasn’t always this okay with it. I used to fight it. A lot. Tell myself I needed to be in control, that if I just tried hard enough, everything would be fine. Then, one day without fail, I’d screw up, lose it a bit, and end up feeling just awful. Like can’t leave the house for days awful. Finally, I’d convince myself it was just a one- time thing and start all over again.
I almost got caught once. Actually, I was caught. I mean, I was almost punished once. There was screaming and yelling and I got a huge bruise on my shin from something. I was so amped up I didn’t notice until I was home.
That was scary. Terrifying.
So I made a choice. No more deluding myself. I couldn’t stop. But I could be more responsible. So that’s where I am now. I let it out just a little, here, there, everywhere all day. I am quick and quiet and no one is hurt or sad and neither I am, for once.
So, yes, what I do is different. But, please, it’s not wrong. It can’t be. Why would I want to do it so much if it was? Not wrong. Just different. No victims. No victims.
Not wrong, just different.
And I’m in control now.
Reach out and touch me at firstname.lastname@example.org or @ungajje on the Twitter. Let me know what you love and what you hate. And please, do spread the word.