January 16, 2012: America's Suitehearts

Letter: F
CD Number: 4
Track Number: 17

Song: “America’s Suitehearts” by Fall Out Boy from Folie a Deux

Illusionia, She's the Mistress of Deceit, don't you know?
(Picture taken from http://hotlines-distribution.blogspot.com/)

A loud burst of static blows out of TVs, computers and smart phones everywhere, even if they are not on. Moments later, an image comes into focus, the villainous menace Illusionia, Mistress of Deceit, done up in her androgynous outfit, is broadcasting to the world from her lair…again. This time, for real though, she has news that the world will want to hear and no one can stop machinations. For honest this time.


Hello people of the world! As always do not bother to change the channel or turn off your electronic devices! There is nothing you can do to stop me from speaking to you!

Well, I suppose you could unplug something or remove its batteries. Oh and laptops close, so you could just close yours. BUT!! I’d like to think you and I have built up something of a trust; a compact if you will. With that in mind, I am sure you will do the right thing and leave everything open, plugged in, and filled with batteries.

She begins to shuffle her papers, muttering to herself, getting them in order. She pauses, remembering something else.

Oh, and I have to say, I do so miss these little chats. I know it’s been awhile…3, 4 weeks or so. I just want to assure you it is nothing personal, I still like all of you. Well, not all of you.

She starts to count off people she doesn’t like in a quieter, less bombastic tone, losing track of what she’s up to.

There’s my seventh grade math teacher…do not care for her one bit. Oh, and the usual suspects, of course, the FBI, Scotland Yard, various militaries. Kid Crusher. Destiny Gal. Bog, the Swamp Avenger. Sir Crusher. Franky Franki Frankee, the Monster who Would be a Boy. Justice Bringer. Crusher the Canine.

Comes to again, realizes she’s been distracted.

Well, I suppose you get the idea. Most of you though? A-ok in my book!

She makes the ok sign with her thumb and first finger before adjusting her papers one last time, clearing her throat and starting again.

Denizens of Earth, I am here to alert you to my newest endeavor. This time, however, I promise you there is nothing you can do to stop me as I have already done it. I am, now, officially the center of the universe. Everything now revolves our planet and, specifically around the point on the planet where I am. I’m here? Everything revolves here. I’m--

She glances behind her and then pushing her chair, evidently on wheels, across the floor.

--over here? Now everything is revolving around here.

Wild, right?

She stands and bows.

And before you all get up in arms or start running around screaming about “physics” or “gravity” or whatever, I got it. Don’t worry. I’ve made sure everything’s cool. Even though everything revolves around me now, everything is still fine. I am a master of all I survey and I build a mean scientific device. I practiced on like 75 pocket universes to make sure I got it right.

To herself

The poor bastards of Universe Alpha Delta Bravo. How my device made that giant space squid I’ll never know.

Pauses, shakes her head for a moment, then refocuses.

And some of you will probably even want to thank me. Catholic Church? You can now get back to besmirching the legacy of Galileo. Flat earthers? Hey, new reason to hope that someday you’ll be right again. Because, and I can’t stress this enough, you are currently very wrong.

I am also sure I owe some of you apologies. Astronomers, for instance. Sorry there. But, hey, new challenges, right?

She paces, jumps, whispering to self

Universe moves this way. Universe moves that way. Universe goes up. Universe goes down.

Gets back to talking to the masses.

Anyhoo, that’s all. Nothing to freak out about. No implied threat. No demands for ransom or power. I promise. Just letting you all know I am an incredible villain, the universe revolves around me now, and my heroic sworn enemy Mr. Awesome and rival villain The Glittering Gent can suck it. Because me equals center of the universe.

That is all, world. Talk again soon, kay?

With a click, she’s gone.

Reach out and touch me at tim.g.stevens@gmail.com or @ungajje on the Twitter. Let me know what you love and what you hate. And please, do spread the word.