January 27: Hands
Letter: Mix
CD Number: 25
Track Number: 1
Song: “Hands” by The Ting Tings off the homemade mix Time to Mix and Mingle
ZELDA sits opposite her BOSS and HR REP at a large conference table. They seem rigid and serious. She seems…disinterested.
HR REP
…do you think?
ZELDA (clearly coming back from being zoned out)
Sorry?
BOSS (put off)
For God’s sake…he’s asking what we should do with you?
ZELDA (spinning in her chair)
Ooo…that’s a tough one. Obviously, a raise is in order. But with the economy the way it is, I would waive that. Not looking to see anyone get eliminated just because I deserve a bit more, you know?
HR REP
This will go much ea—
BOSS (angry)
A raise? You must be out of your min—
HR REP (gently interrupting)
As I was saying, this will go much easier if we all take it seriously and speak to one another in respectful tones. Agreed?
Boss crosses his arms and pushes away from the table a bit without saying anything, face still hot with anger. Zelda remains nonplussed.
ZELDA (saluting)
Right-o.
HR REP
Again, what do you think would be an appropriate way to handle this situation?
ZELDA
Perhaps a gift card of some kind. I am positively bonkers for Starbucks, you know? Not so much their coffee. That’s a’ight, I suppose, but what I really enjoy are those cookies. The chocolate-chocolate ones. I could eat my weight in those, I assure you.
HR REP (a slight sigh escaping from him)
You think we should reward you for this?
ZELDA
And why not? We put a hella o’ show on and I dare say people responded to it. I’m no Elkie Brooks, I’ll grant you that, but I believe the others found my pipes to be pleasing. I’m sure they didn’t mind the view either, come down to it.
BOSS (to HR Rep)
Why are we wasting our time with this?
HR REP
You honestly don’t think you did anything wrong here?
ZELDA
Hmm…I guess you could say a came out a bit flat, at first. Besides that though, I was on.
BOSS
You ground production to a halt! You led the entire floor in some sort of… clap-a-thon! You insulted this company!
ZELDA
Hey now! I won’t sit here and be shouted out. The fella
Gestures to the HR Rep
said this was to be…civil and such.
HR REP (trying to get things back on track
I did say that. But feelings are running high right now. And you are not helping it by not acknowledging your part in all this. Did you really think it was appropriate to instruct your co-works to clap their hands if they felt they were being abused by the company.
ZELDA
Well, they all clapped now didn’t they? So I suppose I’d say that company was probably the inappropriate ones on this one, wouldn’t you?
HR REPS
Regardless of how people feel, that was hardly the time or place for—
ZELDA
And where wouldn’t been? Should we take it to you? Or Bossman over there? Again? So you can pat our heads and tell us you’ll bring it up? Forgive me, but that seems a bit daft, don’t you think?
BOSS
I think you’re a bit daft!
ZELDA (bored, seemingly inspecting nails)
Very smart response, sir. Positively cutting.
HR REP
Regardless of your opinions of our jobs, there is still an appropriate way to bring forth grievances and you not only failed to do so, but cost the company time by distracting your co-workers.
ZELDA
Right, right. Well, agree to disagree on that, I guess. Different opinions, good for growth and all. Thanks for coming.
HR REP (confused)
This…this is my conference room.
ZELDA (looks up as though she did not know where she was)
Wha—ahh, so it is. Terribly sorry. I’ll be out your hair and on my way then. Thanks for seeing me.
BOSS
Now wait just a sec—
ZELDA
I’d love to, I would, but it is four after five and we’ve been repeatedly spoken to about overtime, so I’d prefer not to get in trouble.
HR REP
Zelda, there is stil—
ZELDA
Oh, you are both such dears. No need to break rules on my account though. I won’t keep you a moment more.
Walks out of the room while the two stay behind, stunned.
HR REP
That…could have gone better.
BOSS
You were awful.
HR REP
Yes. You, on the other hand, were the portrait of excellent employee management. “I think you’re a bit daft!” Powerful stuff…well played, sir.
BOSS
You are lucky you are corporate.
HR REP
And you are lucky I don’t cut you.
BOSS
Did you just threate—
HR REP
Yes.
The room lapses into silence.
BOSS
Still… a pretty catchy too, huh?
HR REP
Definitely.
TOGETHER (while dancing in chairs bit)
Clap your hands if you working too—
Janitor walks in, both freeze
JANITOR
I’m just here to em—
BOSS
You’re fired.
Janitor looks to HR Rep, obviously stunned.
HR REP (shruggin)
I’m sorry. You’ve seen too much.
Janitor walks back out of the room, head hanging.
BOSS (looks at HR Rep)
Was that hasty.
HR REP
Nah…had to be done.
Both pause a moment, then go right back into the song.
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