A podium sits, alone, on a large empty plot of land. In front of it, facing it, is one TV camera. There appears to be no one around it, until a man in a brightly colored costume and cape strides in from the left. This is Dynamic Energy, Earth’s protector and role model. He is upright, but he looks more tired than usual. His gait is a bit smaller and is that..nah…you know, it actually might be, a small tremor in his hands. He steps to the podium, pauses for a moment to rub his eyes and pinch the top of his nose as though he has a massive headache. Then, he looks directly into the camera
DYNAMIC ENERGY (to camera)
Thank you all for watching this announcement. As I told all the major news networks, this is an item of immense importance.
He pauses to take a deep breath and visibly collect himself. It seems as though he might be whispering to himself although no one can hear what. Another pause and then he begins again.
I’m done. I’m just…done. For years, I have been proud to hear myself called “hero” or “guardian” or “fine ass catch,” but there comes a time to end every run and this is mine now. I thank you for allowing me to serve you all these years.
Turns as though to walk away, then stops and returns to the mic.
Actually, if you would indulge me, I have a bit more to say. From the outset, I want to stress that the things I am about to say do not apply to many of you. In fact, I’d say it won’t apply to most of you. I think those of who are responsible will quickly realize that it doesn’t mean you. Those who can’t reach that conclusion. Well…I think you know what that means.
Leans on to the podium.
Let’s start with all the people who have sued me after I’ve saved them because they broke a collar bone (instead of dying) or lost their car (instead of dying) or experienced some sort of emotional shock (instead of dying). First, that’s a dick move. Second, it’s really stupid. I am a super hero! That’s all I do. I have no monetary assets, I have no property, I have nothing for you to go after. And what jury is ever going to say, “Yes, let’s turn on the most powerful person on the entire planet.”? If you are thinking, “None,” congrats, you are a lot smarter already than the idiots I was just talking about.
He becomes more comfortable on the podium and we begin to see hand motions and more animated expressions from him.
Speaking of dicks, how about those people who complain I don’t do enough? They’re a piece of work, aren’t they? Last week, I stopped a plane crash, helped bring in a serial killer, comforted a woman whose husband just died of cancer, and attended a charity ball to raise money for orphans. You know what the op-ed piece in the Washington Post said about me the next day? “Where was Dynamic Energy when Frederic Herberger chose to murder his wife and children?” Really?
The best part? The comments section was filled with people pointing out all the things I hadn’t stopped or people I hadn’t saved. The fact that I was stopping and saving in other places during those tragedies? They forgot to mention that.
Breathes out heavily before continuing again.
Let’s review my powers, okay? I’m fast. I’m strong. I’m nearly invulnerable. I fly. I sing beautifully. I make love in a way that leaves my partners fully satiated, every time. What I’m not is psychic or able to be in more than one place at a time. So random murders are kind of hard for me to shop for. And sometimes, I have to make the call between attending your kids Cub Scout Jamboree and saving an entire country from a tsunami. Welcome to the real world.
Checks his watch.
I could do this all day. And maybe, occasionally, I’ll come back just to mention some other stupid thing you people do. But, for now, I’m out of here. Don’t bother looking for me. I’m smarter than you. You’ll never find me unless I want to be found and even then no one else will believe you did it, so why bother, you know?
Pauses on that for a moment
And we do so in a very reverent manner because woman are deserving of respect and kindness and we would never wish to besmirch their legacies by speaking crudely of our intimate times with them.
Crouches as if to leap, stops for a moment.
Oh, leaders of the world? I slept with your significant others. All of them. They said I was better. Just so you know.
So, what do you think? Enjoy it? If so, feel free to follow me on Twitter (@UnGajje) for various bon mots and links directing you to the newest updates on this site as well as my other various writing gigs (Marvel, Complaint of the Week at the Living Room Times, and New Paris Press, set to debut shortly although information may be available before then here). If not it was not so enjoyable for you, feel free to tell me that too. And still check me out at all those things above. One of them you are bound to like more.
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