Suggested by: Ron Chance (calling for “Anything by Better Than Ezra”)
Song: “Good” by Better Than Ezra on their album Deluxe
As you may have noticed, I moved out while you were a work today. I paid the landlord two months of extra rent and that carries us to the end of the lease. It also gives you time to find a new roommate if you wish to re-up and can convince the landlord that she should let you. Given what she said to me when I handed her the check, that might be a lot more difficult than you were expecting. Just so you are aware.
I am sorry I had to do this so abruptly, but you know how these things go. Just think of it like that time you went off to the LARP event in St. Louis without telling me and I had to watch your snake despite having no knowledge of what exactly one does to “watch a snake.” I have to say, though, if you hadn’t have done that, I never would have realized that snakes are pretty okay. I do think he and I came to an understanding that weekend. I mean, he even curled up in my lap last week. Sure, it was because I was the only heat source because you “forgot” to pay the oil bill 6 months in a row, but more than that, I think we reached an understanding.
There was also the time you decided to stay an extra night at some conference you were attending even though you knew your parents were coming to visit. Lovely people, your parents, by the way. Mom was a little handsy. Dad, too, actually, if you come right down to it. But lovely…truly. Anyway, either way you want to think of my not being here anymore is pretty okay with me.
I do hope there will be no hard feelings as living with you truly has been an experience I am likely to remember and speak of for years and years to come. And boy, did we have our moments. For instance, I’ll never forget the time I burst into your room because I thought someone was killing you to find you engaged in autoerotic asphyxiation. My goodness, didn’t we laugh and laugh after that one. There was also the time you tried to seduce my boyfriend despite the fact that I was in the room and you were always telling me how unattractive he was and how I could do better. You truly our a loveable scamp when you put your mind to a good prank, you know?
So, again, thanks. This has been lovely. But before I go, as a friend, can I make some recommendations to you? For the future, you know, to make getting a roommate easier.
1.) Get a new name for your snake. He’s a majestic beast. I don’t think it is right you insist his name is “Smaller Than My Unit.”
2.) The autoerotic thing. I get, I do. It’s important to push the boundaries of sexuality and explore what really works for us. But maybe there is a safer way to do it? Like with a partner? I don’t know. Just a thought.
3.) Explore topics of conversation beyond LARP, zombies, “boning chicks,” and “boning chicks made up like zombies at LARP.”
4.) It’s cool you identify as straight. It’d be cool if you identified as gay or bi, too. But regardless, maybe wait to hit on people’s significant others until a.) they break up or, at least, b.) the roommate is not sitting next to you at the time.
5.) I know you find it upsetting you can’t use certain words and others can. Sometimes, it is okay to let social convention triumph over your individual freedom to say whatever occurs to you at any given moment. You don’t want people thinking you hate anyone different from you, right?
6.) Having phone sex in front of others who have not consented to be involved is not cool. Doing so on the house phone everyone shares the bill for is even less cool.
7.) You have your own underwear. There is no need to wear your roommates.
8.) Do that dance thing you do more. Straight up, that’s hilarious.
Okay…I think that’s all. Thanks again. This has been a blast.
Please don’t try and contact me,
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