In the wake of THE SHAPE OF WATER winning the Oscar for Best Picture a lot of you may be finding yourself thinking, “that was good, but I’m still hungry for more people to fall in love with unholy abominations, monster upon whom God has never laid an eye.” To put more simply, maybe you are just thinking, “Gosh I sure wish I could see more human-supernatural creature couples banging it out.”
Well, I don’t get it. But I’m not here to shame your kink. I’m here to facilitate it. In other words, I got the monsters you thirsty for right here.
To be clear, these are romances of the willing. There is no giant apes snapping up blondes (KING KONG) or underwater creature swims after young woman covetously (THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON) here. There is also no “were together but then fell apart after the monstering” stories. So don’t ask me, “Why no FLY?” Ya dig?
Great! Now on with the show.
10 More Monster-Lady Romances for Our Time
1.) Beauty and the Beast- Skip last year’s live action adaptation/remake and go right for the one you really want and need, the Disney animated feature from 1991. Released in the midst of Disney’s late 80’s/early 90’s resurgence, this is the only one of the era to score a Best Picture nom. A solid re-telling of the “tale as old as time” that looks great even years later and establishes how the Beast could be both scary and cuddly.
2.) Edward Scissorhands- Johnny Depp is the robot? reanimated corpse? some combination of both? with the rather unhelpful hands who has been living by himself in the creepy mansion at the end of the lane. Winona Ryder plays the neighborhood girl he falls for who, in time, returns the feelings. Anthony Michael Hall plays a surprisingly credible bully who might just be the real monster after all. The best Burton? Well, top 3 for sure.
3.) Galaxy Quest- Not the point of the movie, but still worth noting. Tony Shalhoub’s Fred Kwan stoner-actor turned into actual intergalactic crusader gets infatuated with an alien played by Missi Pyle. However, the alien is not actually humanoid in form, it’s just a hologram. Good thing Kwan digs her real purple space-octopus look.
4.) Howard the Duck- Look, the movie is not good. But Lea Thompson commits so hard to playing a human falling in love with an alien duck that we almost believe it.
5.) The Hunger- Early Tony Scott that is draped with atmosphere and sexual tension. The only same sex monster romance on the list and, for my money, the hottest (I think that’s a credit to the storytelling but I confess it could just be a male gaze thing). The romance is well-done but the real standout here is David Bowie’s doomed aging vampire.
6.) Near Dark- Profit’s Adrian Pasdar is a local boy who has decent game and very busy hands. Jenny Wright is the new girl around town Mae who is, in fact, no girl at all but rather a 80ish year old vampire, the youngest member of her “family.” She draws him into the undead life and love, but he can’t quit give up his real family. Can they make it work? (I am not doing this one justice in the name of not being overly spoiler-y. It’s awesome.)
7.) Spring- In the wake of his mom’s death, Evan kind of blew up his life and elected to run away to Italy to get his head on straight. There he meets Louise and infatuation blooms. But Louise has issues with, well, age, a skin condition, something requiring a syringe, and a bit of murdering.
8.) Swamp Thing- The look of the film may not have aged incredibly well, but Swamp Thing remains a b-movie delight. Bog monster loves a blonde, lo and behold, she loves him back. Animal-human hybrids don’t care for it. Chaos ensues.
9.) Toxic Avenger- The most acquired selection on the list for sure. Like any Troma film it is gross and delights in that grossness unapologetically. However, the romance between Melvin—Toxie—and Sara has a sweetness despite itself.
10.) Warm Bodies- There are a lot of zombie-human romance movies, as it turns out. This, however, is the only one that doesn’t feel SyFy Channel cheap to me. Also this is the only one that I found that concerns a love that starts when the zombie is already a zombie. The rest seem to be man and woman in love, man turns/is turning into zombie, woman tries to love him despite this. By focusing more on the idea of romance saving the soul that how disease can destroy love, this one stands out as unique and not a nihilistic as your typical zombie fare. Unlikely to delight true horror movie fans, but for those who’s tastes run more romantic comedy, this is a decent way to get a little horror in with the love.