No Fap November, for those not in the know—know being an incredibly loose term of art here—is a “challenge” to spend all of November without masturbating. Some take it farther and declare it a month free of any sexual activity and climax. Supposedly refraining from such activities grant participants more time (obvi), more energy (maybe?), and generally a healthier, stronger, faster, smarter (not scientifically verified!) existence.
It’s a little silly. Or maybe a lot.
For one, the “fap” thing. To steal from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, if you can’t even call it masturbation or at least something creative like “punching the pope” maybe you really shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
And then there is the fact that Men’s Rights Activists have attached themselves to it in their ongoing quest to…I don’t know… “prove” they don’t need women, I guess? Anyway, the fap thing is silly. This, given recent events, is scary. Not masturbating to “own” all those cruel feminists out there is certainly better than buying a gun and venting your frustration with bullets on a crowd of people. But it is a cousin of the same attitude. Women are destroying men with their attractiveness and it is up to us fellas to reassert our dominance. That’s gross and horrifying, if you don’t know.
However, there is undeniable humor to be found in their ridiculous nonsense. Enter a screenshot discovered by Jesse Whitehead from a true right wing hero informing us that anyone not participating in No Fap November is a “beta leftist.” That right there is undeniable comedy gold.
It also sparked my interests. Are there other theme months that I, as a confirmed beta leftist long before this November, was unaware of? How are these proud alpha conservatives owning the left the other 11 months of the year? And sure enough, it turns out every month has a theme! Don’t worry if you don’t know them. I’ve included them all below.
The Months, Their Themes, And The Key Quotes
January- JOIN AN MLM JANUARY- This is the month where the true masters of the universe sign up for a multi-level marketing company—NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME, OK!—to increase their capital while all of us bleeding hearts just work at normal jobs and try to save.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a hippie loon.”
February- FAKING LIKNG LIMA BEANS FEBRUARY- Conservative warriors spend all month choking down lima beans to get that starchy boost!
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a pinko weakling.”
March- MOCKING THE SIZE OF OUR GENATALIA MARCH- Nothing will make it clearer that you don’t carry what women say, think, or do than loudly declaring you have the kind of penis that would be generous to call “micro.”
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a pussy-whipped plebe.”
April- ANCHORING WEARING APRIL- A show of strength for the first full month of spring! Dragging a boat anchor tied to your ankle with you everywhere you go. Only true men need apply!
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a cake eating bleeding heart.”
May- MISMANAGE MY 401K MAY- Throw your money away on risky stock schemes to show all the losers out there you got the dollars and aren’t afraid to totally waste them on penny stocks!
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a limousine lily-liver!”
June- JAM BAND JUNE- Nothing terrifies those jerks on the left like an 18-minute guitar solo! Grab your hacky sack and pledge your allegiance to one of the closest jam bands in the area, quit your job, and spend 30 days just, you know, hanging out and loving the music, man.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a barking moonbat.”
July- JAILING FOR JULY- Expose how broken the American system of government is by confessing to a crime you didn’t commit and get yourself thrown in prison for the entire month so you can make all those bureaucrats look dumb AF.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a troop-hating vegetarian.”
August- APPLY AUGUST- Eat one apple all month. Just one. Show all those Dems you’d rather die than acknowledge your body’s need for sustenance.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is bilious blue stater.”
September- SALAMANDER SEPTEMBER- Become a salamander. Seriously. Fuck anyone who says you can’t. The only limits on you are your own will. Live life as a slimy amphibian.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a knock-kneed socialist.”
October- OWNING A SMALL BUT CLASSY BED AND BREAKFAST IN A SEASIDE TOWN OCTOBER- Study the monster up close. Move to one of those liberal enclaves where everyone drinks lattes and eats French food and talks about economic inequality. Provide excellent service and lavish accommodations. Those idiots will never suspect a thing.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a gender non-conforming elitist.”
November- Please see above
December- DENY YOURSELF JOY DECEMBER- Move through the world miserably. Do not engage with anyone or anything that might bring you happiness. Ignore your family, your friends. Move away from any and all support systems. Drink nothing but lukewarm water and eat nothing but dry cold generic brand wheat toast. If ever you start to feel good about something, subject yourself to the dial tone of an old corded phone.
Key Quote: “Everyone who does not participate is a libtard cuck.”