The Mummy opens this coming Friday featuring America’s Greatest Living Movie Star. In addition to being a gift to us all (see: America’s Greatest Living Movie Star) it is intended as the launching point (the second attempt at said launching point) for a new Universal Monsters film “universe.” So, I figured, let’s get synergistic and rank those darn Monsters.

The Entirely Objectively Correct Ranking of the Universal Monsters

9.) The Invisible Man- Not a ghost, just a see-through guy. Snooooooze.

"What's this...moisturizer you speak of?" (dailymail.co.uk)

8.) The Mummy- He’s just a mummy. Like…there is no specificity to him. It’d be like declaring The Ghost as a monster.

7.) The Creeper- Mostly just a brute—hence his origin unfolding in The Brute Man—with a rare disorder, the Creeper was mostly an angry fella who hid his features in the shadow and choked people. With Brute Man being the subject of a MST3K and a henchman from The Rocketeer being modeled on him, he cannot be all bad. But he’s not quite good either, is he?

6.) The Ape Woman- One of the few woman monsters, she is sometimes an ape, sometimes a woman. She was, in fact, just a corpse for her third movie, a disappointing turn of events for any monster. I ding her for the lack of ongoing relevance in the monster community and that she is more of a result of science then the supernatural or the natural world run amok.

He's waving! (universalmonstersuniverse.com)

5.) The Gill Man- A great look. I want to rank him higher on the basis of that. I probably am ranking him higher than most would because of that look. But it is SO good. Too bad the guy never got a film quite as great as the way he looks.

4.) The Wolfman- A similar problem to The Mummy, but they injected so much pathos into the films that he rises on the basis of it. Still can’t name who the Wolfman is but he rises above generic “werewolf.”

When you lowkey want Gajje to notice you. (moviefanfare.com)

3.) The Phantom of the Opera- He is technically a Universal Monster but he’s not particularly supernatural. He is, however, scary as hell appearance-wise and there is no denying he has a huge pop culture “tail”—if you will—as evidenced by the musicals, movies, and countless episodes of TV shows.

2.) Frankenstein- Yes, I know. He’s actually Frankenstein’s Monster, not just Frankenstein. Let’s not get bogged down in semantics. Anyway, he’s iconic, he has incredible depth, a tragic backstory that makes him more than just a simple villain, you can tell all kinds of stories about him, and he works as a metaphor for so many things. I think I prefer him to #1, but, you know, I am but the conduit to the truth here.

"I don't know what to do with my hands." (variety.com) — "I don't know what to do with my hands." (variety.com)

1.) Dracula- Sexy, dangerous, seductive, versatile. There’s basically nothing you cannot do with Dracula and if you look at the fella’s history, well, just about everything has been tried. Like it or not, the vamp is #1. All praise our bloodsucking master.