The Tuesday List got bumped to today because of Throwback Thursday moving to Tuesday this week. Just so you know.
Summer is here! And summer means the Boys of Summer… baseball players! And where baseball players go, mascots are sure to follow.
Plus, the recent railroading of Mr. Met demands we raise the mascot profile so that injustice is not ignored.
The Definitive Scientific Rankings of the Mascots of Major League Baseball
28.) Braves- Homer the Brave- He’s a Mister Met knock-off created years later. Boo. And his name is a pun? The worst!
27.) Reds- Rosie Red, Mr. Redlegs, Mr. Red- They’re all Mr. Met knock-offs. They only rise a rank for the sheer audacity of introducing a family of them.
26.) Red Sox- Wally the Green Monster- Hated by Boston fans themselves! Can’t put a mascot high on the list that is loathed by the fanbase.
25.) Brewers- Bernie Brewer- He’s, well, he’s not very interesting, is he?
24.) White Sox- Southpaw- As “monster” mascots go, this one is the worst. Looks kind of like the suit was pulled from the trash moments before the game.
23.) Pirates- Pirate Parrot- You are the Pirates! Use that! Yes, I get it, parrot, pirate, whatever. A pirate would be a cooler choice and this is one lousy looking bird on top of it all.
22.) Astros- Orbit- Orbit is just Orbitty all grown up and repainted. You can’t fool me.
Also, what’s with the getting naked thing Orbit?
21.) Rays- Raymond- I…I just don’t what here. I want to like it, but…I can’t. Also, a Devil Ray (yeah, you heard me, DEVIL Ray) in mascot form would’ve been unique and dope AF.
20.) Cardinals- Fredbird- With such great fans (he said, voice dripping with vitriolic sarcasm) surely y’all could’ve managed a better looking bird. And “Fred”? What’s that nonsense?
19.) Rangers- Rangers Captain- There’s just something…off about this horse.
18.) Twins- T.C. Bear- All hail the blandest of the bland! Given how great everything else is about baseball in MN (the awesome stadium, the beautiful field, my (step)father-in-law singing the National Anthem), T.C. is one great big hunk of blah.
17.) Reds- Gapper- Kind of a cousin to the Phanatic I guess. I’m probably marking it up a bit because it is better than the rest of those copycat mascots the Reds have.
16.) Diamondbacks- D. Baxter the Bobcat- Just pretty ok.
15.) Athletics- Stomper- This sure is an elephant.
14.) Indians- Slider- I love that they didn’t just go racist with their mascot. I like that this thing is weird. I just wish it was something besides weird.
13.) Royals- Sluggerrr- Should be higher but the 3 “r’s” at the end of his name are phenomenally stupid.
12.) Giants- Lou Seal- It doesn’t really look much like a seal. But it does swear its World Series rings around and that’s pretty damn baller.
11.) Tigers- Paws- A tiger. But like, a really good tiger. I like it.
10.) Nationals- Screech- This eagle looks like he has seen some stuff. I like that in a mascot.
9.) Orioles- The Oriole- SO happy to be here! Good for you Oriole. Now Baltimore? Maybe give the poor bird a name?
8.) Cubs- Clark- A pleasingly cartoonish looking mascot. I feel safe around him.
7.) Billy the Marlin- Marlins- I love the colors and Billy is so delightfully dopey looking.
6.) Mariners- Mariner Moose- A moose has nothing to do with being a mariner, this is true. But is a great left field (NO PUN!) choice and the costume is just excellent. He’s also one of the few MLB mascots who behaves more like an NBA one.
5.) Padres- Swinging Friar- So weird. So uninspiring. So excellent.
4.) Blue Jays- Ace- Best bird!
3.) Rockies- Dinger- He’s a dinosaur folks!
2.) Phillies- The Phillies Phanatic- Look, Philly is a garbage city full of battery throwers ( I actually quite like Philadelphia, but gotta play with the rivalry, you understand). That said? They give great mascot. An institution!
1.) Mets- Mr. And Mrs. Met- The OGs. The GOATs. You know it. I know it. The American people know it.