The Tuesday List: A Quadrology of Holiday Lists

Four holiday lists? Tis the season of giving y’all!

 We heard you like a Festival of Lights so we put your Festival of Lights on a Festival of Lights so you can enjoy defeating the Romans as you defeat the Romans. (rabbisacks.com)

We heard you like a Festival of Lights so we put your Festival of Lights on a Festival of Lights so you can enjoy defeating the Romans as you defeat the Romans. (rabbisacks.com)

The Nights of Chanukah

8.) 2- The rush of the start is gone and there is so much left to go.

7.) 7- 8 is so close you can taste it, but it is still not there

6.) 5- No one likes 5. Never have, never will.

5.) 3- It just kind of exists, you know?

4.) 6- Honestly, you could trade this with 3 pretty easily. I just gave it the higher slot because an even number is always cooler than an odd one.

3.) 4- Yep, this one is a sleeper hit. 4 is like Wednesday, even though it is right in the middle, it has its own good island-y vibe that just can’t help but make you feel alright.

2.) 1- Almost nothing feels as good as getting started.

1.) 8- The biggest gift, the celebration of your completion of the Festival of Lights, the knowledge that you, like the Maccabees, survived this time of trial and can coast all the way to New Years while your gentile friends continue to act like the sky is caving in.

 Oh look, it is Santa and his reindeer and his sleigh and his spear. Wait...his spear? Why is Santa armed?! (phyllisalberici.com)

Oh look, it is Santa and his reindeer and his sleigh and his spear. Wait...his spear? Why is Santa armed?! (phyllisalberici.com)

Santa’s Reindeer

9.) Cupid- Wrong holiday buck-o!

8.) Vixen- Pretty obvious a man named this one, amirite?!

7.) Prancer- That movie was bogus.

6.) Dasher- WAY too into being an introvert. We get it. You’re thoughtful.

5.) Dancer- It’s cool that this reindeer has a fall back career, you know? I respect that kind of being sensible.

4.) Comet- It’s just an undeniably baller name.

3.) Rudolph- No denying he’s important, but come on, what a glory hog. His own song? His own show?! None of the other reindeer run to the press every time they feel unloved. He deserves to be bumped down a few slots.

2.) Bliksem- Mean lightning in Dutch. That’s cool.

1.) Donder- Means “thunder” in Dutch. Thunder is also my wife’s nickname. Boom!

 What I won when I landed on Gimel. (timesofisrael.com)

What I won when I landed on Gimel. (timesofisrael.com)

Sides of the Dreidel

4.) Nun- Doing nothing is boring.

3.) Hei- Sounds like, “Heeeeeeeey!” and that’s cool. Half isn’t all though, is it?

2.) Shin- OH! The shocker! Out of nowhere! Sure, it is the worst in terms of the game, but really, in a season of giving, it’s kind of the best. Not THE best since it is here at #2, but kind of the best.

1.) Gimel- The only thing better than giving is GETTING EVERYTHING FOR YOURSELF AND LORDING IT OVER EVERYONE!

 If your Christmas meal looks anything like this in arrangement, size, or scope, you are a monster and must be stopped. (goalmap.com)

If your Christmas meal looks anything like this in arrangement, size, or scope, you are a monster and must be stopped. (goalmap.com)

Best Christmas Main Dish

8.) Vegetarian- Christmas is for excess! Unless your entire family is vegetarian and then this is totes #1, obvi.

7.) Turkey- We have Thanksgiving already, thanks. Also, always dry.

6.) Pasta- I love pasta. Love it! Not a good Christmas Day option.

5.) Human flesh- I get the temptation, but time and place here folks.

4.) Duck- Duck is the poultry for people a little too timid to bring the goose.

3.) Goose- You bring the goose, people know you mean business.

2.) Shrimp- Serve it scampi or cocktail or baked stuffed, it’s never wrong.

1.) Ham- It’s the GOAT! Coincidentally, it’s also like the worst possible dish to serve for Chanukah. Besides #2.

 From all of us to all of you, SEASONS GREETINGS!

From all of us to all of you, SEASONS GREETINGS!