The Reasons of Roy

Roy Moore lost the special Senatorial election in Alabama somewhere between 9 and 10 pm Central Time on Tuesday December 12. As of today, however, he still seems to be, wellllll let’s say…disinterested in that information.

Put another way, he refuses to concede and, according to that venerable online periodical Slate, is doing so for “bonkers” reasons.

I personally LOVE bonkers reasons for doing or not doing something. If they aren’t in my top 5 things, they are certainly in my top 10. So while I want Doug Jones to be seated as soon as possible—like say right…NOW!—I can’t resist giving Moore some other excuses he might want to trot out to delay the inevitable

1.)    “The secret underground county populated by faerie creatures has yet to be fully counted. Those creatures of myth are social conservatives and break, on average, 4 to 1 for Republicans.”

2.)    “The rules in Alabama that say I can’t ask for a recount are actually for other people. They are more suggestions for me. Suggestions I’m currently saying, ‘Nah, I’m good, too.’”

3.)    “My refusal to concede is actually a long-term performance art project. To tell me to stop is to squelch creativity which is antithetical to the American way. Think about that, won’t you?”

4.)    “Doug Jones called and told me he just ran as a goof but has been too embarrassed to admit it. Poor guy.”

5.)    “My wife promised to buy me this bitchin’ dirt bike if I win. If you all can just pretend I won until I get it and then I can tell her later there was a mistake and I actually lost, I’d be super appreciative. Vroom vroom!”

6.)    *fakes a seizure for sympathy*

7.)    “You all hear about that prophecy? Yeah, yeah. It says, umm, if a Doug shall rise to, well, umm…one wing of a bicameral legislature from a Southern place, the…hmm….the end shall be nigh. So, you know, I don’t want y’all to die.”

8.)    “Come on! This is the only think I asked for for Christmas. Well, this and the dirt bike.”

9.)    “Roy Moore is for the kids, as everyone knows, and I won’t step aside until my girlfrie—my constituent and her freshman classmates have the right to vote. She’s very passionate…about the issues and her voice should be heard. ”

10.)   “Cause Jesus, he knows me/And he knows I'm right/I've been talking to Jesus/All my life/Oh yes, he knows me/And he knows I'm right/Well, he's been telling me I’m gonna win this seat, alright?”