I’ve watched wrestling twice in two years. Before that…not since I was ten.
I know what you are thinking. How can you possibly make predictions then? It is exactly because I am so disconnected, so dispassionate about wrestling that I can. No emotionality to interfere with my clarity of vision.
1.) Braun Strowman’s tag team partner will be… ANSEL ELGORT! Apparently this a mystery around which much speculation is swirling. Let me put those rumors to rest! Baby Driver himself will partner up with Strowman (sidenote: why not just go for it and call him Brawn Strongman?) for the hotly anticipated tag team match-up. Elgort may appear small for a wrestler, but he is surprisingly quick and will balance out Strowman’s brute strength. Victory? Stogort!
2.) Shinsuke Nakamura is an artist and violence is his medium! He will paint the ring with the blood of his enemy!
3.) Triple H is in a mixed gender tag team match. I know he gets to win a lot because he’s the boss’s son-in-law but that stops now! From this point forward, Triple H gets to win nothing until he resurrects his country club alter ego Hunter Hearst Helmsley. As it will, so it must be!
4.) A wizard will appear! Bray Wyatt will attempt to corrupt the wizard. Instead, a flash of light and boom! Bray Wyatt is reborn as IRS 2! A baby face! Time to appreciate the hard working men and women who make sure America has the funds to build roads, support the military and so much more.
5.) Daniel Bryan is in a tag team match but his partner is apparently injured? But also his catchphrase is, “Yes!” and the power of positive thought is undeniable. I think Bryan and his life philosophy The Secret carry him to victory with or without his partner who is apparently too selfish to fight through the pain.
6.) Alexa Bliss has spent quite a long time bullying her friend(?!) Nia Jax. That’s very not cool. So Nia wins. But! Who’s this racing down the tunnel? Why it’s Havesh5! YouTube domino sensation and recent college dropout, Havesh5 is ready to be put over and it all starts her with her pinning a stunned Jax moments after she’s drank deeply from the cup of sweet victory.
7.) The Miz was on the Real World. However, I understand Finn Balor shares his body with a literal demon. So I say Hail Satan and sign me up for an era of Hell on Earth.
8.) Nothing is more now than a Russian winning the so-called United States Championship belt. So Rusev earns it in a walk with perhaps a bit of a shady social media bump.
9.) Does wrestling ever have dragons? They should have a dragon this year. Maybe the dragon talks, maybe not. I’m flexible on this.
10.) Some members of the New Day play the trombone. I played the trombone. Nuff Said!
11.) Ok, this is going to be an unpopular opinion but here it is. One of the two times I watched wrestling in the past two years, one of the matches I saw involved Charlotte Flair. She won her match when her father FORCED a kiss on her opponent. That is SO fucked up! So so so fucked up. So she can’t lose enough for me.
12.) The Cruiserweight Championship match is a thing. I know even less about it than I know about other wrestling. In my hometown (home of the world’s smallest natural waterfall!) we have Cruising Night every Friday when it is warm. So I’m gonna say….a 2006 Honda Accord with a souped up engine and ground effects wins.
13.) The 4th, no the 5th (?) Ultimate Warrior makes his debut. Instead of being hateful though, he’s super into acts of charity and equal rights for people of color. He confronts Vince and negotiates a more diverse main card for the major TV shows. He never throws a punch. He does, however, wear neon face paint. Some things remain sacred.
14.) John Cena is selectively invisible so I believe he must be a ghost of some kind. The Undertaker is a ghoul or perhaps a revenant? I am led to believe neither does much wrestling these days. In the biggest shock of the night the winner will be…the Catholic Church! Led by Pope Francis, the Church storms the ring, purifies it, and sends these angry spirits to their eternal rest. On the way out, Francis also just wrecks an undercover Hulk Hogan in the crowd. Enrollment in the Church in the United States skyrockets.
15.) Roman Reigns wins. Not his match. Everything. Every goddamn belt. You ungrateful brats! WWE wants you to like this guy and damn it you are going to. He’s gonna hold every belt until you admit he is a handsome guy who wrestles well, has adequate mic skills, and wears a vest smartly. Stop making this so hard!
16.) Sting shows up. Not the wrestler. The rock star. He plays the lute. You have never heard anything so beautiful. You weep uncontrollably. You call your friend from 3rd grade and make plans to meet up. The hole in your heart is finally healed.